10 Tips to a Passionate Marraige
Then we discovered an entirely new way of thinking that allowed us to stop playing the petty and rotten games and see the other for who we are than who we were. Slowly, at first, the love trickled inâÂ?¦but soon, the love began overflowing and we love each other more now than we ever have in our entire lives. What worked for us was following the concepts explained below, and they may or may not work for you. There is no one “right” way to marriage success.
Instead, we do what we know and don’t do what we don’t know. Sometimes it works, and sometimes, it doesn’t. But realize that you need to blaze your own trail; do what speaks to you and what works for you. In the meantime, here are some guidelines to help you go in the direction that will work for you.
1.You are wrong and your spouse is right.
Ever have an argument where you absolutely, positively knew that you were right, and you had to tell your spouse about it over, and over, and over? Ever have your spouse do that to you?? How did that work for you? Suggested course of action: the next time you and your spouse have a fight, why not listen to his or her point of view without thinking that you are right? Actually practice focusing on what the other person has to say without being quick to judge. Give him or her a chance to state why he or she thinks that way, and “agree to disagree”, as the saying goes. It’s okay if your spouse doesn’t agree with you on everything.
2.Choose your marriage.
Feel trapped? Stuck in your rut that you caused? Here’s a radical concept: accept that you are married. Something attracted you to your spouse in the first place, right? Re-connect with that aspect of your spouseâÂ?¦get to know him or her again. Suggested course of action: choose your marriage. Choose, or accept, that you are married, and enjoy what you once enjoyed when you first got together. You may find that your lives together will improve greatly, and you will begin to wonder what all the fuss was about.
3.Feelings are temporary; commitments last forever.
“You’ve lost that loving feelingâÂ?¦” as the song goes. But, wait a minute-isn’t love a commitment? Didn’t you pledge to stay together until death? What happened? Did you lose loving feelings towards your spouse? Feelings are fickleâÂ?¦some days you want to “spit fire”, because of something that happenedâÂ?¦and other days, you are overflowing with romantic feelings. But just because you “feel” anger and “bad” feelings doesn’t mean that you have to divorce, right? Suggested course of action: focus on loving your spouse, in spite of how you may feel at that particular moment. Realize that commitments and love last forever.
4.Spitting fire burns; pouring water cools.
Sometimes, I get so angry that I just want to say every nasty thing under the sun, and I have�in the past. It never really accomplished anything besides letting the person I was angry at know that I was angry at him. But it never took care of the issues at hand. Ever have that happen to you? If you are human, you most likely have. Has that worked for you? Did you ever accomplish what you wanted from that? Suggested course of action: when you want to spit fire, take the time to listen first to what is being said. Let go of being right (see number 1) all the time, and calm down enough to pour the water on your temper. When you are calm enough, then you are more able to rationally communicate with your spouse.
5.Making meanings takes away from your meaningful relationship.
What did he mean by that? Did she mean what I think she meant? “What he really meant when said that isâÂ?¦” On and on and onâÂ?¦everyone interprets what other people say to fit their own issues. This never works out well in a relationship. Chances are, what you thought your spouse meant by what he or she said is completely opposite of what was meant.
When you interpret what is said, and not ask for clarification from the other person, anger and rage builds until your relationship dies. Suggested course of action: when you are unclear as to what your spouse is saying, or even if you think you are clear, stop yourself, and ask, “Is this what you really mean, or what are you saying?” Chances are, you will stop hurt feelings and anger before they start, and you may have a chance to save your marriage.
6.Life is what it is-accept it for what it is.
Chances are, you chose to be married, didn’t you? You chose the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You chose the career path you are on, regardless if you are an executive for a multi billion dollar corporation, or you are a burger flipper. You chose it. Accept it for what it is, and what it isn’t. So you don’t live in a multi-million dollar mansion, or you aren’t the best looking person on the block. Get over it, and don’t blame your spouse for your issues.
Suggested course of action: Accept what life throws your way. This doesn’t mean you have to be content to stay in your circumstances, but accepting it means that you acknowledge where you are, stop complaining about it and act on it. As for being married, accept who you’re with and enjoy life with that person.
7.Love springs from inside of you-don’t go looking for it.
If you do not love yourself, you cannot love others. When you are able to love yourself unconditionally, you are practicing to love others unconditionally. If you are looking for love outside of yourself, you will never find it. If you are doing this, chances are, others are doing the same exact thing. Suggested course of action: accept and choose yourself the way you are. Love yourself with all the faults you think you have. Let that love overflow onto others, especially toward your spouse.
8.Communication is work, but it makes love work.
Love comes from communication that works. Yes, communication takes time and effort-working on actually listening to your spouse will pay off in a big way. Suggested course of action: try talking about what makes you upset without accusing your spouse of any wrong doing. Be willing to listen to what makes your spouse upset, without putting meaning into what he or she is saying. Come to a compromise; give up having to be right all the time (see number 1); and acknowledge without judgment what your spouse is trying to tell you. (See number 5)
9.Looking good to your spouse accomplishes nothing. Be honest.
This is not talking about outward appearances. When you hide something from your spouse, you are trying to avoid looking like a bad person, right? This accomplishes nothing�being honest and taking responsibility for your actions will help your marriage ten times more in the long run than trying to cover up everything.
Here’s a secret-your spouse probably already knows what is going on and knows your faults and weaknesses. They can see right through what you try covering up. Suggested course of action: the next time you want to make yourself look good in front of your spouse, remember that he or she probably already knows what happened. Try telling the truth and admit what happened. This will begin to alter how your marriage is going.
10.Your spouse is perfect-you’re perfect. Why change anything?
Being perfect doesn’t mean not having any faults. Perfection is being the way it is and the way it is not. You are perfect, because you are the way you are, and you are aren’t the way you aren’t. Your spouse is perfect, because he or she is the way he or she is and not the way he or she is not. Why must you try changing your spouse? If the both of you are perfect, why change perfection? Suggested course of action: stop trying to change your spouse and appreciate him or her for who he or she is. Love your spouse as isâÂ?¦
11.Surprise rule: Just when you think you know these rules, things change and become outdated.
Don’t get caught up in trying to follow these rules. These are general guidelines, designed to help you realize ways to maximize your most intimate relationship-your marriage. Use these guidelines only when they workâÂ?¦make up your own guidelines when these don’t work. Now, have fun already!
