20 Reasons Not to Go to Law School

1. All lawyers are assholes. A common misconception is that lawyers become assholes at the swearing in ceremony. Take it from me, they’re assholes as early as law school orientation.

2. Law school costs a shitload of money. Unless your parents flit the bill, you’re gonna be paying back student loans for the next 30 years of your life. You may even be writing articles for Associated Content just to meet your monthly school loan bills.

3. If you believe you go to school to learn, law school isn’t for you. Law school isn’t for learning, it’s for competing against your fellow classmates. The same assholes I mentioned in Reason #1.

4. You learn absolutely nothing practical in law school. Law school is meant to help you think like a lawyer, not help you practice law. There are no classes entitled Legal Fees 101 or Getting Your Deadbeat Client to Pay. You learn that the hard way on your own.

5. Law school professors are pretentious pricks. Think of your worst college professor and multiply his or her conceit by one hundred. That’s your average law school professor.

6. Law students don’t drink nearly as much as college students. If you think you’re going to law school to continue your partying days, think again. Law students aren’t fun. Stay on campus, take graduate courses.

7. The Juris Doctorate degree is the only Doctorate degree you can earn and still not be called Doctor. “Counselor” just sucks, and it’s usually used only by Judges right before they yell at you.

8. Law students are constantly asked for legal advice even though they don’t know the first damn thing about the law. You either have to make something up or look stupid. Or both.

9. Final Exams suck. Your entire semester boils down to two weeks of tests, one session right before Christmas, one right before summer break. Talk about stress. Who needs that?

10. Summer Break sucks. You’ve got to work to build up your resume during summer break because all those aforementioned assholes are doing it and you’re competing against them.

11. Three years is a long time. The four years of college flew by, but don’t expect the same from the years you’re stuck in law school. Remember, you’re surrounded by assholes, you’re competing, and no one’s drinking. Time…moves…slowly.

12. The pretty girls are mean, the good-looking guys are dorks.

13. You are told at law school orientation that you cannot sustain a relationship while you are in law school. Say goodbye to your mate, and no, he or she will not be waiting for you over the next three years.

14. The Bar Exam sucks. It’s two or three days of nonsensical questions that you will never have to answer again in your career. You’ll study for three months for one damn test, and if you fail (and 40% of you will), you have to do it all over again in six months. And you’ll look like a dumbass to the asshole friends you made in law school.

15. If you pass the bar exam, you then have to deal with the State’s Character and Fitness Committee. If you’ve led any kind of life, you have at least one or two skeletons in your closet. Well, dust them off, because they’re coming out. And some group of self-righteous assholes are gonna judge you by them.

16. The bigger the firm you end up with, likely the more money you’ll make. The caveat is the bigger the firm you work for, the more assholes you’ll work with.

17. Practicing law isn’t a 9 to 5 gig. You work long hours. With those aforementioned assholes. Nuff said.

18. Lawyer jokes. Yeah, they were funny when you first heard them. But they get old real fast.

19. Most Judges are none too swift. And you have to kiss their ass right through their black robes. I mean, really these Judges have to take a pay cut to drape themselves in black and sit on a perch. How much fun can they be?

20. The best reason not to go to law school and not to become a lawyer is this: CLIENTS. Clients ruin the practice of law. They are often imbecilic tormentors who tell you time and time again, “You work for me.” They know nothing about the law, but they wanna run the show. And worst of all, they don’t like to pay their bills.