25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic

Many people are in relationships that are unhealthy. However, when a person is in the middle of this relationship, it is often difficult to see how detrimental the relationship is to his or her self-esteem. Others may tell you that your partner is not “good for you” or that they can’t understand “why you don’t leave.” Your partner may be a good provider, a good father, and at times, loving and kind to you. However, there are other times when you are left feeling alone, afraid, or upset and don’t understand what is going on.

Dr. Lillian Glass, author of Toxic People, describes a toxic person as “anyone who manages to drag you down, make you feel angry, worn out, deflated, belittled or confused.” It may be difficult for people to admit they are in a toxic relationship, because they are intelligent, self-sufficient individuals in other aspects of their lives. Most people in toxic relationships, however, have the sense that something is just not right.

25 Ways to Tell if Your Relationship is Toxic
1) Your partner puts you down verbally, in private or in front of others.
2) Your partner tells you he/she loves you but behavior shows otherwise.
3) Your partner doesn’t want you to see or talk to friends or family.
4) Your partner is jealous of the time you spend with your kids.
5) Your partner shows up often at your work unexpectedly or opens your mail.
6) Your partner calls you often to see what you are doing.
7) You cry often or feel depressed over your relationship.
8) Your partner says you would have the perfect relationship if only you would change.
9) Your partner wants you to be dependent on him.
10) Your partner does things for you and then uses them to make you feel obligated.
11) Your thoughts, opinions, accomplishments, or words are devalued.
12) You don’t know who you are anymore without him/her, or how you would survive.
13) Your friends/family don’t like your partner or don’t think he is good for you.
14) You have changed things about yourself to suit your partner, even when it is not your taste.
15) You always go where your partner wants to, like movies, restaurants, etc.
16) Your partner has made you feel afraid or unsafe, and you have been afraid to speak the truth at times for fear of upsetting him/her (walking on eggshells).
17) You don’t feel you have control of your life anymore.
18) Your self-esteem is lower since you’ve been with your partner.
19) You think it’s up to you to make the relationship work.
20) You keep secrets about your relationship from others who love you because they wouldn’t understand.
21) Your partner makes you feel unattractive or stupid.
22) Your partner accuses you of cheating and is overly jealous.
23) Your partner can be really sweet to you one minute, and really mean the next.
24) Your partner seems really sweet/loving to you when he/she thinks you are about to leave the relationship, or after he/she has been mean to you.
25) You can’t remember the last time you felt happy for more than a few days straight.

If you need help with your relationship, talk to a friend or family member, a clergyman, a counselor, or call your local mental health center. If you are in danger, help is available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline, (800) 799-SAFE, where someone can put you in touch with battered women’s shelters and other resources. Remember, no one can take care of you as well as YOU can. Get the help you need.