5 Reasons Why Men Want to Vacuum

I am writing this fully aware that I am the last of the baby boomers, myself born in 1964. I have seen ” traditional values ” bleed into more modern social norms and for the most part have adapted readily as a means of survival if nothing else. I am married after all.

Vacuum Cleaners are Power Tools:

It strikes me odd that “old school men” still think the task of vacuuming, a woman’s chore. The vacuum itself should be considered a power tool and therefore embraced by men. It has a motor and everything! Why is a man perfectly willing to gas up the lawn mower, but not perform essentially the same feat indoors?

With a lawn mower, you are walking up and down the yard on a nice day, keeping your lines straight, tending to the clippings and composting like a good American. The smell of freshly cut grass announces your place in the home as you justify an early afternoon beer. The neighbor guy waves, envious of the frosty Miller Lite you so proudly chug, as he continues to mow.

With a vacuum, you are doing basically the same action, albeit on a smaller scale on the carpet. Take enjoyment in the fact that dust and cornflakes are being evacuated by a motor powered sucking machine complete with cool attachments, bags, filters, belts and rollers.

Five Reasons Why Men Should Suck it Up:

1) Vacuums provide endless double entendres and Freudian references that only the emotionally stunted male of the house can truly understand and enjoy. The word “suck” alone should tip you off. Wife: “What are you doing babe?” Husband “I’m sucking!” The laughter never ends, at least from the male. The wife will utter “what’s new?” but ignore her…She thinks something is wrong when she finds you vacuuming and is determined to find out what.

2) When women vacuum and suck something in, too big for the vac to digest, they put it out on the curb with a “Free, Take It” sign and run to Target . While there, they buy a new vacuum along with summer clothes and boogie boards for the kids. When men inadvertently over-tax their suck buddies, they grab the closest multi-tool and fix the problem. We turn on the ball game, grab a beer and start unscrewing things until it is fixed and put back together. Or you just grab a coat hanger and get rid of the clog.

3) If the problem is a broken belt, FANTASTIC! This is a reason to go to The Home Depot and likely spend as much there as your wife did at Target, minus the new vac. Bonus: Typically, The Home Depot is located strategically within the same general confines of Chilis . Here is where the ball game and a beer come in with a plate of Buffalo Wings. We deserve it, we are fixing the vacuum and saving hundreds. Note: Unless you know the bartender, do not ask for the remote. Simply go to the waitress station nearest the kitchen and grab it from the shelf as stealthily as possible.

4) A fast and efficient room clearing tactic: Ten minutes till game time and the kids are watching re-runs of Dance Moms. No problem, grab the vac and start sucking. The dog will run (try vacuuming loose fur off him as he squeezes by) and the kids will, under protest leave the room. You will now have a clean and freshly vacuumed room to trash with Doritos and frozen pizza during televised sports. And you will have it to yourself.

5) Eventually, your wife will appreciate your new commitment to household cleanliness. This can translate on several levels but should be discussed in another article, perhaps called “My Man Sucks and I Love Him! A Wife Tells All, of Her Hubby’s New Hobby.”