5 Ways to Look like Newlyweds Even If You’re Not

My spouse and I were attending one of those vaguely uncomfortable business dinners where wives are obligated to accompany their husbands and vice versa. Slightly bored and full, we decided to take our desserts to go. The presenter was wrapping up his speech as we doodled on our shared Styrofoam container. Seeing who can draw the most deformed and psychotic looking rabbit can be a great way to pass the time.

Before making our escape, a young woman sitting beside us introduced herself and asked, “So, how long have you guys been married?” I paused to think before answering, “It will be six years in September.” The young woman exclaimed, “Wow, you guys are still romantic. I thought you were newlyweds or something!” My husband and I looked at each other and smiled before thanking her.

Newlyweds! If that doesn’t lift your spirits as a couple, I don’t know what will. We were smiling for the rest of the night and the next day gloating amongst ourselves. What made her think that we were still newlyweds? I replayed the evening in my mind, and this is what I came up with.

1. Newlyweds hold hands.
I was wearing one of those ridiculously tall but ultra cute opened toed suede heels (What can I say? It looked great with the outfit.). Because I was teeter tottering quite a bit, to steady me, my husband grabbed on to my hand as he introduced me to his colleagues and escorted me in and out of the restaurant.

2. Newlyweds whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears.
At some point during our dinner, my husband leaned over, and softly said, “Sweetheart, do you mind? You’re kicking me under the table again.” I get fidgety during these drawn out meals. I smile, lean back towards him and say, “I’m sorry, Baby.”

3. Newlyweds get physical in public.
After much debate, my husband convinced me to order the pork chop medallions served with garlic mashed potatoes and fresh asparagus. When I saw another woman being served the salmon alfresco that I had originally expressed interest in, I felt miffed and deprived. I slapped my husband on the back, pointed towards her scrumptious looking meal and said, “That looks really good. Mine better be good too!”

4. Newlyweds develop their own special language.
My husband and I often wished that we were fluent in some obscure language. Just think of the annoying people (there’s bound to be at least one at the dinner table) that you could make fun of in Farsi without their knowledge. Alas, undisciplined with our Mandarin Made Easy tapes, we developed our own special sign language. This has come in handy (pun intended) for sharing those private thoughts that would not be appropriate to express aloud during a presentation no less a dinner table. For example, “I really need to pee. How much longer will this guy be talking?”

5. Newlyweds share food.
Okay, the pork chop medallions actually tasted really great which is why when my husband’s fork headed towards one of the two medallions left on my plate, my fork headed towards his filet mignon. I am not one of those dainty women who eat like a bird. If he’s going to be stealing food off of my plate, I’m going to partake in his share of the goods as well.

So, marrieds, young and old, these are the insights that I have acquired from that auspicious night. Whether you have been married for 5, 10 or 30 years, follow these 5 tips, and see who you can surprise when asked, “So, how long have you been married?”