American Idol Recap
Ryan, who’s never seen a movie with a rating of PG-13, probably doesn’t get that joke, but he does get that it’s time for him to continue his upward spiral to becoming his generation’s Bill Cullen, so he opens the show with his usual flair. Except he doesn’t have any of that stuff. So instead he introduces the judges and discloses that this week it will be the 1990s all over again.
Bo takes to the stage first. Apparently Constantine’s hair was just a tad longer this week, so he got that all important fifth place slot. Nothing says rocker like singing Remedy while wearing fishing hats made with left over pieces of Gateway computer boxes.
Also, picking up mic stands and rushing to the judges table and singing the song from there is a nice touch. It was even cooler when he did it five weeks ago. And four weeks ago. And three weeks ago. And two weeks ago. And last week. But Bo doesn’t know when to curtail a good thing.
Like Comedy Central and their wall-to-wall coverage of all things Foxworthy. But back to Bo. He has made his guitarist from last week his drummer this week. It’s important in this day and age to be able to diversify. Randy thinks Bo is hot. Not as hot as Melinda-The First Lady of Magic, but still hot enough. Paula somehow ends up with Bo’s hat and refuses to give it back. Kinda like her 1990 MTV Vanguard Award.
She doesn’t actually deserve either thing. Simon didn’t care for the song, saying it sounded like something you’d hear at a wedding. Of course, the Black Crowes actually wrote it for a bar mitzvah, so they too are sad to hear that.
Jessica is out next, and she will be doing a LeAnn Rimes song, Can’t Fight The Moonlight Because I’m On The Side Of Angels Which Makes Me Feel Blue. Or something like that.
I stopped listening to country music around the same time Trace Adkins got shot for the eighth time. Jessica is back to looking like Lizzie Maguire tonight, though luckily she’s a better singer than Hilary Duff. And Haylie Duff. And Howard Duff.
If she gets kicked off tonight, I can only hope Gordo won’t abandon her. You know, the way Disney abandoned Miranda. Randy and Paula said she did alright, but Simon doesn’t think she’s likable enough. Now Coolio. There was a likable performer. Simon’s right. That likability factor is very important in the music industry.
Anwar, you’re on! Stage, I mean. So wipe those dreadlocks away from your eyes and sing one of the great songs of the 1990s. Or you could sing I Believe I Can Fly by R Kelly. It’s your choice. I haven’t seen a decision that bad since your brilliant idea to start reading this recap. What were you thinking?
Anwar started this song out in the audience and slowly made his way to the stage. Apparently, Anwar should be singing I Believe I Can Walk Really Briskly. He’s like Bo in reverse. Maybe he can start his song next week by sitting next to Ryan. Randy says it was pitchy and goes on to give actual constructive criticism to a singer.
Shockingly, Paula called it the greatest performance ever of I Believe I Can Fly. Even better than the version from Swing Out Sister? Surely you josh, Paula! Luckily Simon tells Anwar how right Randy was. Or how wrong Paula was. And not just when she’s on the freeway.
Ryan’s running late! How will this show exist if we don’t have someone to…um…er…what is it he does around here again? Who cares! Nadia is out and she’s luckily left her mohawk at home.
She’s singing I’m The Only One from Melissa Etherdige, back when she was impersonating Allanah Myles. Nadia decided to steal a chapter from the Bo Bice How to Perform Like A Rocker handbook by picking up the mic stand. Which is more impressive since the producers had nailed it to the stage during the break.
Damn Nadia! All three judges agree that she improved one hundred fifty five point three percent. These judges are really specific this week.
I’ve made fun for this past few weeks of Constantine and his lack of rocker credibility. Let’s continue that! For any rock fan, the 90s mean one thing: grunge. Well, that and sharing syringes with your buddies underneath the pier while cutting class. Or was that just me? But that grunge thing was a close second.
So I have high hopes that Constantine will break the Nirvana moratorium here on this show. No Kurt Cobain song has ever been performed on this show. Although we came close when Kimberly Locke did Smells Like Nirvana on Weird Al Yankovic Week back in season one. But that doesn’t count. Maybe Constantine will end the drought tonight and earn the respect of rockers everywhere.
Or he could sing Cotton Eyed Joe and make his sellout complete. The song he ends up singing, Can’t Make You Love Me, was sung by both George Michael and Bonnie Raitt, where it of course spent eight weeks on the alternative charts. I’m concerned with all these rocker songs he sings that Constantine isn’t going to win this competition. No I’m not.
Somewhere there is a gang leader in East LA without his jacket. Probably because Nikko stole it before going on stage tonight. Hopefully, the rest of the guys in the rumble won’t be laughing at that guy. Nikko is singing Can We Talk, a big hit from Tevin Campbell. Which comes as a shock to Tevin Campbell. I loved him Martin, but he isn’t nearly as funny on My Wife and Kids. But who is? The judges agree that he was okay.
Man, that’s a really green shirt that Anthony Fedorov is wearing. I don’t know whether to insult it or to lick it. Only if he sings The Rainbow Connection does that shirt make any sense. Anthony isn’t wearing his minuscule eyeglasses tonight. Probably because his retinas were burned out of their socket when he saw himself in that shirt. Anthony decides to sing The Way You Look Tonight. Loud. You look very, very loud. And kinda froggy.
Introducing your next American Idol, Carrie Underwood. Carrie would have to have a major gaffe not to win this thing. Like singing Brass Monkey from the Beastie Boys. But that’s not gonna happen, especially since she sings Independence Day. Apparently, the Legend of Baggar Vance wasn’t on the eligible list. Carrie spent all day with her bedazzler working on that scarf, I bet. She sure doesn’t need to spend any more time on practicing singing. She’s already got that down pat.
How long do you think it takes Scott Savol to cut the hair on his beard to 1/32 of an inch? Does it keep him up at night when he can feel the hair trying to actually make it to his chin? And why is he wearing Hugh Hefner’s pajamas on stage? And why didn’t he wear the sleeping cap, complete with fuzzy ball? Although, he is putting Simon to sleep. Almost as well as I’m putting you out from reading this recap. Scott sings a Brian McKnight song, and he was McGood. It’s nice to see a white guy with rhythm not named Darryl Hall.
Are those wedding bells I hear? Probably not, but the future Mrs. Vandal is up last. Vonzell Vandal. It has a certain charm to it, don’t you think? Vonzell is wearing an elegant evening dress, offset with a pair of Lucky Charms earrings. She must have lost the Trix the Wabbitt pendant. Vonzell decides to do Whitney Houston song. The good news is that song isn’t I Wanna Dance With Somebody. The bad news is I forgot to write down what is was, since I was drooling over my pad. Oh well, it’ll come to me.
