Raising Kids in the Nanny 911 Era

While flipping channels one evening, my children and I happened on a disturbing scene. In awe, we watch the screen as an eight-year-old child berates, then kicks and punches her mother. Even more surprising – the mother backs away submissively and allows her child to hurt her, almost falling down the stairs from the blows to her back.

“Why are the kids so mean?” my seven-year-old asks with concern.

“I don’t know,” I replied, trying to decide how to answer his question. Instead, we watch the program to figure it out.

After the show, we all felt better that the family’s behaviors changed and they are now living a normal, happy life. But my biggest concern is for all the families that live similar lives and a nanny isn’t available to pop in and change everything.

As seen on television and in real life, in this day and age, kids aren’t what they used to be. And, in turn, families aren’t either. No more nuclear family – we now work ourselves to death while the kids are in daycare and school and then family time is disrupted by laundry, cleaning and other priorities. There is no time, we say – no time to properly rear our children into productive adults.

How untrue. There is time, but you have to make it a priority. Remember – our children are a gift, and it is our job to show them how to live productive, full lives while maintaining respect; something that isn’t done that often anymore.

Instead of living in chaos, why not give your children a gift of love, of family? It isn’t hard; it just takes time and love – two things you have right now.

Raising an Independent, Secure Child
Many scientists and pediatric physicians believe that within the first six months of life a child forms his personality. So, while they cry to be fed, cry to be changed, or just plain cry, they are working out who they will become in the future.

If this is true, then well-balanced parenting begins the moment your precious bundle of joy is born into this world, not when they are big enough to ride a bike.

There are things that parents can do to help a child become independent and secure during these first few formative months:

Family Bed
I know, you have heard the horror stories from friends and relatives – they let their child sleep with them while they were infants, and four or five years later they are still in the bed. While this does happen, it isn’t because of the family bed idea – it’s because the parents have given up and decided to live with the fact that their school-aged child still sleeps with them.

A family bed is a wonderful opportunity to get to know your child while giving them the love and security they need. There are several ways to have a family bed, but I prefer this method:

Place the baby in her crib upon the last nightly feeding – usually around 8-11p.m. The baby will probably sleep for a few hours, but then wake for another feeding. Either you or your spouse should retrieve the baby and place her in bed with you. If you nurse, you can easily lay there while your child has her feeding – and many times you may not even realize that your child is nursing because you are still asleep. Then, allow the child to fall asleep against you – they are most secure when they feel your heartbeat and smell your skin – until the morning.

Not only will you get more sleep, but you’ll have a happy baby.

I did the family bed method with both of my sons. At first, I was scared they would never leave the bed too – but surprisingly, by six-months they were both in their own cribs sleeping through the night. They didn’t need to be up close to me as much as they used to, and I owe that to allowing them to sleep with us for the time they needed.

The Bouncy Seat
Every baby should have a bouncy seat – or whatever they are called now. We had one that bounced and had a few toys that attached to the seat. This was an extremely helpful piece of baby equipment – it allowed me to get household chores finished and take showers.

My children loved it too. I would place them in the seat in the room I was in and talk to them while they played with the toys and cooed. This allowed them to still have my attention, but in a different setting. They weren’t right up against me, but still had the feeling that I was there for them.

These sorts of baby creations allow a child to become independent from their parents. They can hear or see you, but can explore on their own, showing them that they have control in some areas of their lives.

I wouldn’t suggest placing your child in the seat and walking away for periods of time – for one, it isn’t safe – one day they will learn how to break out, and two, it scares them. It is okay to walk out of the room for a few seconds or minutes, but always keep your voice in earshot until they are old enough to follow you around.

The Rocking Chair
This was my favorite way to feed my children. We would rock methodically back and forth while I sang songs or looked at them adoringly. They also knew this was a place for feeding, and would often drift of to sleep.

Again, having a special rocking chair or seat for feeding reconnects your child and you. You are paying attention to her, not anyone else, and they feel that. A ritual such as this can only reassure your child that you are there for them and love them.

Solo Play Time
As your child becomes a toddler, it is very important that you set aside time for them to play by themselves. This can take place in an area of the living room, their bedroom or in a play room. Give them a few toys and watch them play for a few moments. Then let them know you are going to another area of the house, but will be back. Periodically check in on them and ask what they are doing, but leave again until they decide they are done playing alone.

This shows your child that they are their own person, and can do things – like have fun – by themselves. It boosts confidence and security. And with you poking your head in, you are only reaffirming your love for them – they know you are there, but they don’t necessarily need you at all times.

So, what do you do if it is too late to incorporate the family bed, bouncy seat or rocking chair? Not to worry, you can still raise strong, independent children. Remember – you are striving for a child who can successfully cope in the world without you – so it is your duty to show them how the world works, and how to get along.

Here are a few things that should be present in your home now:

Discipline
Everybody disciplines their children, but some do it better than others. Before you even have children, you should discuss how you plan on disciplining them with your mate. If you are a single parent, you should decide what would work best in your home.

The major priority for discipline is to teach your child when something is wrong, and teach them that there are consequences for every action. Teaching them this now will save them so much time and trouble in the future.

In order to successfully discipline your child, you must be consistent. I have a few friends that bring home a new discipline book each week, and then try it out for a few days on their children. After that time, they throw up their hands and say “nothing will work,” but they didn’t give any one method a real go. You have to be in it for the long haul, not a quick fix.

Discipline should be well thought out in the beginning, and then become the status quo. Every family should have a list of rules, and if the rules are broken, consequences for misbehaving. A time out area is necessary – don’t allow them to sit on their beds or on the couch when the television is on – you are trying to teach them a lesson, not ruin your credibility. They need to know that they are paying a price for their behavior, and not having fun.

Family Time
Every family should set some time aside every week just to spend it with one another. This reconnects each relationship, and allows everyone to have fun while loving each other.

Take this time to take a walk, play some sports or board games, watch a movie – do something that the family enjoys and will promote discussion and interaction. Most families today are strapped for time, so make this moment count.

Eating Meals Together
This is probably the one area that most families fail. We all have tight schedules and with kids come ball practice, play practice and all the other group activities they are involved in. But, you cannot honestly say that there aren’t three times a week that you can sit down at the table and eat as a family. If you don’t have that time, you may want to look at your schedule and re-prioritize.

Family meals allow a family to enjoy good food and talk about life. This is where you can discuss each other’s day, talk about current events and even hopes and dreams for the future. Take this as the perfect opportunity to keep a hand in your child’s life while getting to know them better.

Showing Affection
Saying “I love you” may not seem like much, but it is. I tell my kids at least 10 times a day that I love them, and they say it too. Yes, they know you love them, but why not re-affirm your affection on a daily basis? You’ll feel better saying it, and they will be happy to hear it.

If you have incorporated the above mentioned ideas into your family’s life – good for you! If you have not, you need to work on establishing your family’s structure. It may seem overwhelming, but you can do it. Tackle one idea at a time and make it work for you.

While all of these ideas are wonderful ways to raise your children, how do you prevent raising a child that only a nanny can fix? Follow your own rules:

âÂ?¢ Hate it when your kids scream, hit or bite each other or others? Take a close look at how you react when you are mad. Oftentimes we are teaching our children to act out in rage by screaming, hitting or saying hurtful things. If you are guilty (and I have been a few times too), then take a good, hard look at how you can change your behavior. Really focus on your reactions. You should be able to discuss a heated situation that you are unhappy about in an even tone, express your thoughts and resolve the problem. If the situation won’t allow that and you are angered to a point of madness – tell the person you must walk away for a few moments because you are so angry.

âÂ?¢ Never allow anyone to be violent. Violence is a serious offense – you can go to jail for hurting another person – and your children need to understand that. I had to deal with my first bout of violence a few months ago – my oldest son hit his brother. I removed them from each other and the offender sit in the time out area while giving my hurt son all the attention. After the time out, I had a talk with him about his behavior. I questioned why the fight begun, what escalated it, and how he could have handled it differently. He agreed that it was wrong behavior, and he wrote three sentences about his brother – what he loved about his brother, what made him mad, and why he was sorry. He presented it to his brother, and they hugged after he read it. There hasn’t been any hitting since.

âÂ?¢ Reprioritize your life. If you say you don’t have time for your family, it’s time to make time. Learn how to say no to other situations in order to encourage your family’s growth. Kids need you, no matter how old or how independent. Make time for them now, or regret it later.

âÂ?¢ Don’t be a pushover. No one said being a parent was easy. You have to be the boss, and sometimes that means doing things you wish you didn’t have to do. When it’s time to discipline, do it with conviction. You set the tone for what is acceptable behavior, and if they think they can get away with it, you might as well move out.

âÂ?¢ Be independent. It is very important that you show your children that you do have a life outside of the house. Make girlfriend dates once a week, or take a class or go to the library. Don’t live just for your family and deny yourself of your own identity. This teaches your children about balancing lives and personal growth. Very important lessons to learn.

Children are our hearts, our joy and one of our full-time jobs. Don’t raise a Nanny 911 child; rather, focus on providing your children with the tools that are necessary to become successful, well-balanced adults. Treat them with respect, patience and kindness while holding a firm hand on rules and consequences. They will only love you more and respect you always for the wonderful job you did as their parent.