Creating Intimacy After Childhood Abuse
Look at today’s bookshelves in your local bookstore and you’ll see evidence of this problem: self help books teaching us to relate to one another abound. It seems as if the inability to relate to others is endemic in our society. Two prevalent types of these relational problems are characterized by the Avoidant and dependent personality disorders. To a greater or lesser degree, we all fall somewhere within these two categories. It is the extremes, however, which interfere with true intimacy. The Avoidant Personality Disorder characterizes one who displays a chronic and pervasive pattern of inhibition in social situations, feelings of inadequacy, and extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation. On the other hand, those with the Dependent Personality Disorder display a pattern of submissive and clinging behavior and fear separation, indicating a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of. It is important to remember that whether one falls into either category, they are equally destructive to relationships.
It would be a mistake to assume that those afflicted with either disorder do not desire affiliation; for, according to Maslow, all human beings seek, desire and need close relationships. it is one’s ill-defined identity, however, which prevents one from extending himself beyond his self-contained ego boundaries. In a sense, the person’s identity is so fragile, that to introduce another’s reality to it could threaten its very existence. Think of the perennial ‘Mama’s Boy.’ No woman can ever cook, clean or keep house as well as his mother. conversely, the stereotypical ‘Daddy’s Girl’ can never find a man who can take care of her as well as Daddy can. These fused, boundary-less relationships provide very real hurdles to normal, healthy human relating.
According to popular psychologist John Bradshaw, identity is influenced by the family; if the family does not support the healthy development of a child’s emerging identity, damage to the ego is likely to occur. Bradshaw states, “Our families are where we first learn about ourselves. Our core identity comes first from the mirroring eyes of our primary caretakers. Our destiny depends to a large extent on the health of our caretakers.” Hence, one from a dysfunctional family is predisposed to either one of the personality disorders, either Avoidant or dependent, because of the added difficulty in identity development. It is because of the vulnerability of this fragmented identity that the individual must fight so hard to protect its integrity. If a parent is overly attentive or demonstrative, the child may seek refuge by spending large amounts of time alone. The unconscious fear of engulfment becomes a key part of his or her character, and in later years, he or she becomes an isolator, a person who unconsciously pushes others away.
Fighting to maintain one’s psychic integrity falls neatly within the Avoidant Personality Disorder. But what of the Dependent Personality Disorder? When children’s vulnerability is exposed to a dysfunctional family, they grow up with whatever dysfunctional boundary system the parents have, according to Pia Mellody, another popular psychologist and self help author. So, a neglected child may seek to fulfill his attention needs as an adult in an inappropriate manner, an outgrowth of the Dependent Personality Disorder. Typical examples are the daughter who didn’t receive enough affection during childhood and adolescence, and therefore seeks love and approval through promiscuity and other usurious relationships. Taken to the extreme, either of these coping mechanisms may impede healthy, intimate human relating.
The phenomenon of dependent/Avoidant personalities is serious indeed. both personality disorders preclude intimacy, which is vital to healthy human development and expression. As noted religious and philosophical leader Martin Buber states, “All real living is meeting.” No man is an island. It is only through clarity, though the conviction that the identity is strong enough to accommodate another, that ‘meeting’ takes place.
What can you do if you find yourself in either of these two personality extremes? First, do not blame yourself. It is only from an objective place of really understanding yourself that lasting change can take place. It is also important to recognize that we are taught from a very young age how to balance relating with others and maintaining our own self of self. Do not let this knowledge lull you into complacency, however; as an adult, you have the capacity for change, which is a great thing! For most of us, intimacy requires struggling to acknowledge our past and reconcile ourselves to righting our future, whether that entails moving closer to those we love, or creating a set of healthy boundaries behind which our true selves can flourish.
If it makes you feel better, many individuals suffer symptoms similar to these dysfunctions to some degree. The efforts of many theorists to explain this problem further demonstrates how universal is this condition. Cries of frustration from well known thinker, “Hell is other people,” (Sartre) or, “Only connect!” (Forster), emphasize how widespread is the consternation in the vacillation between the Avoidant/Dependent personality constructs. In spite of the pain, or because of the pain, psychologist Charlotte Kasl asserts “We make the journey toward truth as an act of faith, because for those who seek inner peace, it is the only way.”
