Woodman’s Seafood of Essex, MA
Woodman’s is an odd place. They are sanitary, but feel no need to add any frills. The decor is basic – burnished wooden picnic style booths polished in polyurethane, wood plank flooring, no air conditioning, lots of open windows (and therefore no-see-ums, unfortunately), staff in T-Shirts and jeans, dinners set up on on cardboard trays in baskets or cardboard containers, paper cups, plastic ash trays and serve your self service. People definitely do not go to Woodman’s for a five star atmosphere. They do, however; go to Woodman’s for the four star seafood. What this food may occasionally lack in flavor (in general, people in New England don’t spice JACK – why the heck is that, anyway?) it makes up tenfold in freshness.
The Ordering Experience
Walking in to Woodman’s (assuming you did the algebra it takes to figure out the times you may get a table for yourself without standing in line first, since I’m not telling.), the first thing you see is the Lobster Pool. When I go there I generally take a pass on the Lobsters. I have it on very good authority that they are incredibly fresh and prepared to perfection after you pick you own, but let me tell you – after living in the North Shore and eating lobster so often now, I am beginning to hate the things from sheer frequency. For me they work much better as a treat once in a while, as I am not a native Mass-hole (my Massachusetts “honey’s” term, not mine.). This ends up working out for me at Woodman’s, as I get to skip the first potential line.
Once you have passed the lobsters and breached the Waterloo that is the front door, you are confronted with a brusque cashier/order taker and a wooden menu hanging over his head. My greatest advice to you is to start reading the menu before you reach the order counter and decide what you want quickly. Do not, I repeat, do not get upset at any of the order takers or cooks for looking “barely polite”. Would you be all smiles if spent 8 hours of your day slaving away in a fresh seafood fish fry house in heat well exceeding hundreds of degrees from the cooktops and friers in a restaurant that has no air conditioning? Didn’t think so. Have some pity already. They are always polite, though sometimes the bare minimum of polite, but that is fine with me. I don’t feel the need to get up a personal relationship with my cashier, anyway.
The wooden menu I have just advised to read and choose from quickly is stocked with a standard menu of native fare with a few specials. My honey and I have found that we can share a Native Shrimp Platter ($7.99) and a Large order of Steamers ($9) and still occasionally have leftovers. Woodman’s does not under feed their customers. Each platter comes with a generous portion of the seafood (Native shrimp, clams, scallops, fish, etc) plus an order of french fries and an order of onion rings. The box selections come with the seafood item only, but also in generous portions. Condiments such as Tartar sauce must be requested at the order counter, with the exception of ketchup, salt and pepper which are available in the dining room. Woodman’s also offers some sandwich type items (in Massachusetts these would be the “Rolls”, as in “Lobster Roll”), cole slaw, and a few small appetizer type selections. This is not a restaurant to bring strict Vegans or Vegetarians to – the only vegetables here are the onion rings, fries and slaw.
Once you have given you order to the cashier and received your pick up number, you are ready to go to the next counter to order your drinks. Don’t panic – for some heretofore unknown reason, you order your food, pay for it, then move left and order your drinks and pay for them separately. I have yet to get a satisfactory reason for that system, so I just go with the flow. Woodman’s has a selection of beer, soda and tea to choose from. Downstairs in the dining area a limited bar of preselected drinks is available at this counter as well (Margarita, Rum and Coke, etc). You are given your beverages and now must find a seat.
The front section of Woodman’s, elevated slightly from the rear eating area, is non-smoking. The rear section and middle section are both smoking. Having just left the Safety-Nazis of California, it is incredibly refreshing to go somewhere where I can harm myself however I see fit, thank you very much. I prefer to gravitate straight to the back smoking section by the open windows, but to each their own. After you have staked your claim to your table, your number should be called. This is the point at which the designated “carrier” of the group goes up to get your food. See, no sweat – now you are ready to eat.
For the New Englander, or those lucky enough to be seated with New Englanders and thus avoid potential pitfalls in eating a Lobster the right way (hint: the bib is part of the wrong way) or what to do with that certain steamer part and cup of dirty water, handling the meal is not problem. For the uninitiated, a little help. The little black thing sticking out of your steamer is edible, but the skin on it isn’t. That is what the cup of odd water is for – shuck the steamer from its shell, peel the little black thing and throw away the peel, dip the steamer deep in the water, then in the butter, then eat it. Simple, and done just like a native. For the Lobster, a true native a) does not wear the huge plastic bib and b) (theoretically, anyway) eats his lobster without having to use his cracking utensil on the shell once. Good luck with that – I have been thus far unsuccessful in cracking lobsters with my bare hands. I never said I was some Eddie Bauer wearing, square haired, Massachusetts Sheena. Not this Cali transplant – silverware for me all the way, baby!
So I finished my dinner and found the wet wipes, now what?
Once your meal is finished and you have discovered why there were wet wipe packets in your baskets, you have several options of things to do. Woodman’s owns the bar upstairs, which has live music at night (calling this music is generous of me from what I’ve heard so far from the house band) in addition to a Raw Bar and a full service bar and pub. Alternatively, you can walk next door to the little gift shop and tourist information center run by Woodman’s. They also own the other bar across the parking lot and a small theatre type place there as well. If you have tired of Woodman’s, there are kayak tours across the street run by another company, or you can hit the antique and junk shops of Essex (all of which I can cover in another review another time).
Now that I’ve exhausted the possibilities at Woodman’s, will they ever bring this heavenly food to my domicile?
Yes, Woodman’s offers a catering menu which includes the majority of their regular dishes or you can choose to have a traditional New England Crab Bake. I understand this is a big deal you must experience to understand, so when I’ve experienced one I’ll update this review. Meanwhile, let’s recap, shall we?
In a nutshell
Woodman’s offers a one star dining atmosphere with four star food. Even though the food tends to be bland for my tastes, I still must give it four stars for freshness, quantity and quality. Woodman’s is frequently crowded, so arrive in off-peak times. Woodman’s staff are suffering horribly in heat well above average for your dining pleasure – be nice to them! Woodman’s has things to do once your food and drink are gone. Woodman’s will cost you anywhere from $18 to $30 for two people, unless you drink more than one beer or other beverage each.
Tourists
In regards to fighting the tourist traffic, all I want to know is: if it’s tourist season, can we shoot them?
UPDATE: Massachusetts is now an entirely NON-SMOKING state – so no more smoking section at Woodman’s.
Recommended
Yes
Kid Friendliness: Yes
Vegetarian Friendly: No
