Preparing My Family for My Interfaith Marriage
Most common is a marriage between a Catholic and a Jew, which is something I have recently experienced. I myself am not that religious, so I was not overly concerned with having a ceremony in a temple. I did wish a rabbi to be present out of respect for my family and their beliefs. My wife being Irish Catholic, and more observant than myself wished for a wedding ceremony in a church; this was okay with me, but I knew it would be difficult to say the least, to get my family to accept and understand this.
If you plan on having an interfaith wedding and fear you may have the same problems, I highly suggest finding out all the information you can first, talking to both a priest and a rabbi, in order to be prepared to answer any and all questions your families may have. You should also be aware that a temple will most likely not conduct the ceremony with a priest, nor will they conduct the ceremony if the reception is not held within the temple’s catering hall. Additionally, if you plan to have a rabbi, you should also be aware that a rabbi will not conduct a ceremony during Sabbath hours, restricting you to certain times to plan your ceremony and reception.
Most churches will allow a rabbi to conduct a ceremony alongside a priest, but a Roman Catholic Church will not allow a priest to conduct a ceremony outside the church. Additionally, in order to have a ceremony inside a church, you must also go to Pre-Cana, a series of meetings with various speakers who will talk about marriage and religion and family life.
We found the Interfaith Pre-Cana option that was available highly informative, and we realized that despite the differences in our religions, there are many similarities as well.
One important detail to remember is that this wedding is between you and your partner, and no one else, no matter how attuned to your respective families may be. You and your partner are a team, and you need to be strong and firm together. Your families had their wedding, now it is your turn. They need to respect your wishes.
My family was visibly upset when I informed them that we would be having a ceremony in a church. Rather than have a rabbi present, we decided to have an additional ceremony with the rabbi at the catering hall before the reception. This turned out to be very successful, as both religions were equally represented and respected, and both ceremonies proved enjoyable for members of either faith.
It took several discussions over the course of a few weeks, but once the initial shock was over, my family also realized that I and my wife were two people happy and in love, and that was really all that mattered. What was important was that we had found each other and planned a marriage together, and not a half-hour ceremony. There is no easy way to tell your family something like this. It is best to sit them down and simply explain what it is you intend to do and why. Be prepared for anger and maybe even some tears.
The discussion may not be resolved just then. But as long as you remain calm, respectful, and strong with your partner, your family should soon realize that a simple half-hour ceremony in a church or temple or neither is not what matters. It is the act of tying your love together that matters.
Families need to be respectful of the fact that this is your day, and in the grand scheme of things, it is your love that matters, and not religion. Religion should never stand in the way of true love and happiness, and neither should your families, not if they want to see you happy as well.
originally written by Scott Kessman
