The Do’s and Don’t’s of Dating a Friend
It always seems to happen at the same time. Work is great. Your apartment is finally fabulously decorated. Your closest friends are all in the same place and you’re having a blast. Then BAM!!! Your friend, whose always been off the market (you know the relationship guy), hits you with the news that he’s interested in you. It’s always when you least expect it, and it’s sometimes with that friend whom you’ve never thought about in a romantic capacity. So you’re left with the task of figuring out whether or not you want to take a risk on the friendship and date them, or try to remain as plutonic as possible with that news tucked in the back of your mind.
It’s important to know that if you choose to date, you are totally forgoing the friendship you have. Even if you can go back to being friends if things don’t work out, it will never be the same. If one party gets more serious about the other, things can get messy. “It’s a big risk that you sometimes regret,” says Dana,* 22, New York. “I started dating a friend after he broke up with his girlfriend whom he had been living with. Before he asked me out I was never interested in him romantically. But once we started seeing more of each other I really began to like him. Then he just pulled away emotionally. We said we’d continue to be friends, but I know it won’t be the same as before.”
A main factor in the success of the relationship is the expectations of the parties. Unless both people plan on being serious, it could be a bad idea. Trading in a great friendship for a few good romps between the sheets and a couple of romantic dinners isn’t wise. While romance tends to happen quickly in these days of internet hook ups, lava life and speed dating, friendships seems to be lasting shorter and forming at a much slower pace. It’s hard to identify many people as true friends. So it’s always dangerous territory when you decide to blur those lines. “Dating a friend can be exciting but it never seems to work out. I’ve never seen a successful end to it,” Erin, 23, Michigan.
Although many are opposed to linking with chums, it doesn’t always end badly. The appeal with dating a friend is the leap passed the fun but also scary getting-to-know-you phase. You don’t have to worry about figuring out if you’ll get along with the person. You already know so much about them. You probably already know their friends, and they know yours. You already know that your friends can enjoy the company of your other half, and you don’t have to hide your less desirable qualities (pigging out, bodily functions, drooling). The main attraction is knowing that the person already cares about you and can offer you the support that you need from them. But when those feelings of care and support evolve and the friendship becomes second best, things can drastically change.
It’s difficult to foresee the success or failure of a relationship, friend or not. Choosing to date a friend can bare exciting results, but beware. The emotions that get involved often bring amnesia. Friends forget the wonderful experiences they shared before they got involved romantically, and fail to see the fantastic qualities that made them like the person. While it may be easy to say, “We’ll still be friends,” in the end you’re often left without a boyfriend and without a friend.
