How to Survive the Roommate Experience

Today’s world is blessed with advantages previous generations were never able to enjoy. The planet is wired from end-to-end with electronic communication capabilities that allows anyone to talk to anyone else anywhere in the world with any number of tools, such as the World Wide Web, cell phones, and an ever-increasing knowledge of telepathy. Reports from Belgium say roughly 1 in 6 Belgians are capable of playing DVDs (Digital Video Discs) by opening their hand and speaking directly into it.
With all this blessed (or cursed) technology, however, comes a higher standard of living that, at times, is tough to keep up with financially. Try showing up to class with an iPod made in November 2004 and you’ll look like the village poor kid. No one wants to be that kid.

To accommodate for this pricing boom, young adults are living in more confined spaces with more roommates than ever before. Just last week, I saw twenty-three (23!) rodeo clowns walking out of a one-bedroom in downtown Burlington, Vermont. What were they doing there? I can’t say for sure, but it definitely looked to me like they were living. Practicing, yes, but also living.

How, then, can you adjust to this new, expensive lifestyle? It’s quite simple, if you follow these basic principles:

1. Never, under any circumstances, room with a member of the opposite sex.

Sure, it might seem like a good idea to let the hot European transfer student with an open mind move into your pad, but do you really think she’s going to play Madden with you all night while you talk about how hot she is? Also, girls are (perhaps stereotypically) believed to have cooties, and boys are never interested in “just talking.” It’s simply not a good fit.

2. Never succumb to paying your full share of the rent.

There is simply no need to do this. You can find a book’s worth of excuses (“I’m just not getting enough hours at work,” “The roulette wheel hasn’t been treating me like the lady I am,” etc.) to get out of paying the full $350, plus utilities. If you only shower every other day, why should you pay for half of the hot water? You see where I’m going with that?

3. Give your roommate the cold shoulder, before he/she gives it to you.

Roommates are, by their nature, a very sensitive species. Let’s face facts: they can’t afford to live on their own, and this agitates them (they also react violently to dishwasher fluid, but that’s another article). If your roommate feels like he/she has done something wrong before there was any foul play, you’ve done your job. The roommate in question will be so overwhelmed with unknown guilt and anxiety, you’ll be guaranteed at least two fresh loads of laundry and not a bottle to pick off the floor.

4. Eat your own food (if you have to).

Fruit is expensive; I think we all know that. Surprisingly, other foods are not cheap either. Spend enough so you don’t get too skinny, but keep in mind you don’t want to be too fat either. What you want to be is normal. Also, owning a pet is advantageous. When you choose to eat your roommates’ chips or potato salad, it’s comforting to know you have a sloppy dog to blame it on.

5. Provide your household strengths in other forms.

Everyone loves a comedian! Sarcasm is usually a big hit, and the ability to make light of grave situations can be nothing but a plus. People (women) love to have a ‘shoulder’ to ‘cry’ ‘on,’ even if the shoulder is watching television or staring at a wall. Someone smart said “showing up is half the battle,” and ‘showing up’ can easily be replaced by ‘being there.’

Sure, there’s a slight chance ‘tensions’ will ‘increase’ with your housemate. The roommate might even spend less time in the apartment because of your recent actions (another plus). Believe me when I say, however, that if you are able to successfully and consistently follow these basic rules, not only will you maximize your living experience, you will be a better person, too.