11 Strange Mating Rituals: Don’t Try These This Valentine’s Day
Mating rituals in the animal kingdom are quite fascinating simply because they are, um, natural. Think about it. Humans turn to books, magazines, porn, sex therapists, a best bud and even mom for sex tips Animals are guided only by instinct. Here are 11 habits better left for the Discovery Channel.
1. Garden Snails- Ready, aim, fire!
Thanks to snails, I don’t feel so bad about accidentally stabbing my boyfriend during a dart game at Whiskey Business. The hemophrodite garden snail helix aspersa literally play Cupid. Whyfiles.com explains that one snail courts the other by circling it for15-minutes to six hours, touching tentacles and biting at each other’s lips and genitals. Pressure builds in snail A’s genitals, which houses a ‘love dart’. When snail B touches snail A’s genitals, the he-she gets punctured with the dart. The other snail fires back, each dart releasing a chemical preventing the snail from digesting the sperm. Why you ask? Easy- we all know you can’t get pregnant by swallowing.
2. Patient Penguins
According to canongate.net, penguins are quite monogamous. When penguins fall in love, the ‘tuxedo-clad’ couple stand breast to breast with their heads thrown back, singing loudly with outstretched, trembling flippers. Two weeks later, the male shows his urge by laying his head upon his partner’s stomach. The two then find a secluded spot for an actual intercourse process of three minutes. One and done, neither penguin will mate again that year. (Must be a north pole thing. Just like Santa- only comes once a year!)
3. Grasshoppers Serenade for Sex
A male grasshopper has 400 mating songs in his repertoire! (Move over Luther Vandross!) And, each grasshopper song means something else- from flirting to “I want to do you.” (canongate.net)
4. Hippos- Taking care of business
Homemade aromatherapy? Hippos attract mates by marking territory – urinating and defecating simultaneously. Then, states canongate.net, the hippo twirls its tail like a propeller, spreading his mess everywhere – irresistible to the opposite sex. Once a mate is found, the pair begin foreplay, consisting splashing around in the water (perhaps to clean up). So next time your sweetie knocks on the door while you are dropping some deuces, he she may not be bothering you; rather, they could be turned on.
5. Lynx Spiders- falling for the victim
Female lynx spiders literally get tangled in the web of their mates. Males capture a female in a web, wrapping her in silk. (Wish all guys saved the fancy sheets for us women!) He later unwraps her and distracts her with the feast of insects in the web. As she eats, he mounts her. Hungry, the female lynx just let her captor do his thing. Suddenly, I see Tobey Macquire and Kirsten Dunst in rather different scene. (canon gate.net)
6. Sea Hares- Three’s company
Sea hares (a.k.a sea slugs) are hermaphrodites; they have a penis on one side of the head, a vagina on the other. That said, threesomes, and even chains of more, are quite common. In a threesome, a “male” would attach his penis to the vagina of the middle hare, and a “female” would attach with the middle hare’s penis. The middle one is simply the go-between, passing the sperm through to the other. (wikipedia.com)
7. Barnacles- size does matter
Reproduction is tricky for barnacles; they are stationary animals. So, they fertilize their neighbors, but that depends on a tremendously long male organ. Well-endowed barnacles can reach another seven shells away! (wildsingapore.com)
8. Homosexuality? That’s for the birds!
Canongate.net says male geese like male geese. However, during mating season a female will waddle her way between two courting males. They’ll let her in, fertilize her and carry on with their act. Both males visit the little goslings.
9. ‘Gull’ on ‘Gull’
Geese aren’t the only same-sex bird duos. Canongate.net says 8-14% of all Californian sea gulls are lesbians. They go through the motions of courting and lay sterile eggs. Ostriches are also known to have lesbian tendencies.
10. Worms- Battle of the Sex Organs
Scientists at the University of New South Wales discovered of a species of flatworm that display an unusual mating process they call “penis fencing.” These hermaphrodite worms duke out who will lay the eggs. The worms engage in a battle with their penises- like that scene in Spaceballs- which resembles fencing. The first one to stab the other with its penis injects sperm; the loser lays eggs.
11. Praying Mantis- Getting Head. Literally.
The female praying mantis not only will rip the head off her mate after sex, but sometimes she will eat it during the act. Despite losing his head, he is usually able to finish the deed. I’d assume this is why the mantis pray, at least the males. (dribbleglass.com)
�And here are two unique human rituals:
Morning Wood?
Thesite.org says that early Puritan American parents tested their daughter’s suitor by having them sleep together with a large piece of timber between them. If they slept well, they were allowed to be married.
Horsing Around
According to lost-civilizations.net, in a Vedic India horse sacrificing ritual, the king’s wife (representing the earth) would simulate mating with the horse (who represents the sun). The king, an alias of the sun, mates with his wife after the horse is sacrificed, the idea being that sun and earth were unified.
