Learn to Merge on the Road

I drive a lot. The two older boys of our household attend a magnet school across town. No, it is not a school where they learn about or how to make magnets, but boy, that one makes me laugh – everytime. Magnet schools were designed to bring children from other areas of the city or even state into schools that were struggling or just needed a little diversity. Since the magnet school is not in our district, there is no bus service and I must drive them to and from school every day. This requires that I drive I-581 through Roanoke, Virginia twenty times a week. Until the kids’ freshman year, I had gone out of my way to avoid ever having to drive I-581. It turns out I was a genius for doing so.

People are dangerous. The cell phone users, mascara appliers, McDonald face-stuffers and CD shufflers are really irritating and I think they should have to drive special cars that give off warnings about their irresponsibility but it is not these people who pose the most danger.

The scariest people on the road are the nice people. I am convinced that most road rage is a result of an encounter with nice drivers. I am not talking about that guy that let you change lanes in front of him when your lane suddenly became closed because of a wreck in the distance. We’ll call him a considerate driver and while it was nice of him to do this, it was also thoughtful and helped aid the flow of traffic. If each person in that situation would let one trapped fellow motorist slip in front of him we could all get where we’re headed in a timely manner.

Traffic flow is not the motivation of the nice driver. I’m not sure what their motivation is but I wonder how many accidents they cause every year. I’m sure they are the source of many fender benders and rear-enders.

You already know exactly who I’m talking about. These are the people who see you in the acceleration lane and slow down to let you in. I have even seen these misguided do-gooders come to a complete stop with eighteen wheelers coming up behind them. Perhaps if I write it here, I can stop coming home with a scratchy throat from screaming it at them. GO! You are to continue going the same speed you were driving before you saw me. I am merging. It is my job to judge traffic, adjust my speed and slide in. How can I gauge traffic and make my adjustments if you slow down? If anything, speed up so I can get in behind you. Be considerate, not nice. Or just have a brain. Think. Wow. I feel better.

Every day I go through small three and four-way intersections as I travel from our rural home into the big urban world. Every day I approach the stop sign hoping against hope that the person already sitting there will then proceed through the intersection. But no. They sit there, looking at me as if I’m holding them up somehow. Then they wave me through. I feel somehow compelled to say thank you. I know they were trying to be nice. I always wonder if older men think they are being chivalrous. Well, here is what I have to say to that- GO! Don’t just sit there. We both have places to go. You could see I was stopping. You could have already been halfway through the intersection and I could be going. In your effort to be nice and let me go first, you have actually made me wait longer. So see? Not so nice.

No wonder I am so tired when I get home from this trip. I’m exhausted just writing about it.

Another group that is out to maim the world are the ones who drive oblivious to the world around them. They never check their mirrors. They go just under the speed limit in the center lane. Of course, if you try to pass them they suddenly realize that they are, surprisingly enough, driving a car and they decide to speed up so you are now forced to either go way over the speed limit to get in front of them, stick with your new lane or drop back in behind them at which time they will immediately drop back to just under the speed limit.

I believe these may be the same drivers who stay right at your bumper but in the passing lane as if they’re herding those in the right lane. You can not speed up enough to change lanes because they adjust their speed accordingly. Finally, you may have to give up and slow down (making sure there is nothing behind you, of course, because this is considerate) and get behind the shepherding car at which point they will change lanes. These folks can also be found to the right of you around the time you see your exit. Good luck with that.

The group that poses the greatest threat has to be the merge-challenged. These are the people who cause road rage. I don’t care how much you pray and meditate on good things, these people will get your adrenaline pumping. I am not advocating that anyone act on road rage, but I certainly understand why it exists. If we really understand the responsibility that we are undertaking when we get in a car and intermingle with other people in big chunks of fiberglass on wheels, then all our senses are heightened. We are “on”, so to speak. We are aware, hyper-aware, even. We are already on the verge of fight-or-flight. When someone puts our lives in danger through ignorance or just not caring, the hyper-awareness can cause red faces, shaking fists and long cascading words of vitriole.

We were scared. Then we were mad. So we’ve just made our entrance onto the acceleration ramp (note: acceleration, not DE-acceleration), we are already watching the traffic and calculating our ultimate speed goal, watching for a space and they do it. Who? What? The merge-challenged folks in the car ahead of you. They stop. They’re supposed to be doing somewhere around, oh I don’t know, the speed limit at this point and they stop. Everyone say it with me- GO! What are they thinking? Are they thinking? Are they trying to get us both killed? Do they want rear-ended? There have been times I’ve been forced to merge without them. I was recently told by a passenger that this was illegal. I figure rear-ending is illegal and more expensive, so I chose the lesser of two evils.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m wrong. Perhaps I should get a handbook and see if they’ve changed the rules. I have been driving for over twenty years. Maybe the guidelines are different now. These people seem to be the majority. When I see someone merge well, I praise them. “She did a great job merging!” “Now there’s a man that knows how to merge.” It makes my day really.

If you are a nice driver, please GO! Just go. Remember, if it puts my life in danger, it isn’t nice. Even if you smile and wave your little hanky at me, it’s still not nice.

If you are merge-challenged, take the back roads. If you are hungry, pull over and eat. If you MUST talk to someone on the phone, go home. If you are the only one at an intersection stop sign and I am not there yet, GO! If you were there first, don’t wave me through. If you’re in the lane into which I’m merging, GO! Just maintain your speed and let me adjust. I’m the one merging. It’s my job. If you’re in the passing lane, pass. And you oblivious people, check your mirrors every now and then. Look around you, there are hundreds of thousands of other drivers out here sharing the road with you.

Be a considerate driver. Considerate is good. Nice can be annoying and dangerous.

Here’s one more for the road. If we are approaching one another on a suburban street that is lined with parked cars, one of us is going to have to pull over so that the other can pass, right? Here’s the thing, if I have already pulled over so you can pass, Go! Don’t pull in behind a car to then let me pass, because now we’re both just sitting here on the side of the street stupidly going nowhere. Just go. Smile and wave and pay someone else back. You can’t return the favor by pulling over at the same time I am pulling over. It sounds stupid but everyone reading this knows exactly what I’m talking about.

If you don’t have a clue as to what I’m talking about, slowly remove this article from your steering wheel or close the laptop in your passenger seat and look in your rearview mirror and Go!