The Joy of Public Education

The American school system has come a long way. We, in our infinite wisdom, have finally done away with the archaic and obsolete methods our forefathers have handed down to us. We know now that there is a better way. We have fully realized that the human mind is not going to be improved through the old fashioned ways of teaching, such as the silly and antiquated teaching of logic and reason. Why teach our students to ask questions when we can instead tell them what questions are important?

We already know what they need to ask, so why bother filling their minds with the whys and how’s and other trivialities? A waste of time, and for what? We already have people whose job it is to discover theses things, and they do a fine job. We have a government, a government we pay and support whose responsibility is to keep us informed and up to date on things we need to know, and they even go the extra mile for us and do something we never expected. Our compassionate and always altruistic government has decided to do us the favor of deciding what those things are!

Now that’s what I call a bargain; we get even more than we pay for!

Imagine how much of our lives would be wasted if we had to decide what was important for ourselves! Think of all the television we would miss, the movies we would not have time to rent. Why, if we all took our own time to decide what was important to us instead of having people in government and organized religion and the media do it for us, poor Paris Hilton wouldn’t even be famous! She would have to content herself with the substandard life of the billionaire hotel empire heiress! What an unfulfilling, unsimple life she would have! My stomach turns at the mere thought of her.

Her not being famous, that is. You understand what I mean.

Thankfully for Ms. Hilton -and the rest of us- we are free from the restraints of being forced to decide, nay, even think for ourselves. And not only that, we have been given our beloved education system, which has been further improved by the invention of statewide testing!

Children and adults are never able to conceal their nauseatingly righteous joy at the mere mention of the words! Tears of happiness fill their eyes, and they think of nothing but how much they appreciate being told exactly how they compare with rest of our nation’s children!

And well they should. How can we know if we are worthwhile human beings unless we look at ourselves in comparison with everyone else? If it weren’t for this necessity of life, we would never know that we were not smart enough, that our clothes were too cheap, or that our cars were old and we should not be satisfied with them. This comparison is necessary to remind how unhappy we are, and how happy we could be if we were better at doing what we were told!

After all, isn’t America all about having the freedom to be told what and how to think? Wasn’t that the whole idea of winning our independence from England?

Thank God the school system has given us tests and grades, and thanks be to God again for allowing them to pay the teachers so well. If not for the high pay, we could never hope to have so many capable and caring teachers to instruct our ever more enthusiastic students in the important matters of life, like exactly how to pass a test, but not to question why they have to do so, or ask the ultimately dangerous question: Who the hell has the right to make them?

That kind of dangerous thought has no place in this country. We are far to busy paying for large governments and foreign wars -both of which are extraordinarily necessary, of course- to answer questions like that.

And to all those who worry about not being able to pass these life determining tests, have no fear. If you fail, you get another chance. And another. And another.

Until you have finally mastered the way of passing a test, you have the right to stay in the school system and not be let out! And to make life better for all of us, even if you can’t pass the test, no matter what, you need not despair! Life does not end, because of that great equalizer, that one incredible American practice we all benefit so richly from, which we call the ever praiseworthy lowering of the bar!

Even now I can hear everyone doubling over and groaning with joy!

Please don’t splash any on my shoes.

And now, we have the greatest invention ever to come to the public school system. One that has been slowly catching on, and is now picking up the pace of its spread, like a beneficial, life affirming, spirit uplifting tumor.

Of course I speak of the indisputably wonderful school uniform! I can feel my fingers shaking with the burn of pure ecstasy as I think about it! What mind boggling time we have saved with this creation! All the frustration, morning after morning, day after day, of picking out our own clothes! I for one remember my school days, and all the pain I went through still hurts a little when I wake up in the morning and realize that I have to dress myself. What agony could have been saved if I had simply been forced to wear the same shades of black, gray and white every day!

And to all those who say uniforms promote the degradation of human independence, I think they obviously must have had servants to dress them growing up.

There go the idle rich again, making things worse for everyone else by insisting we all think for ourselves.
Maybe they should start thinking of Paris Hilton’s career once in a while!

But what objective appraisal of the school system would be complete without at least a mention of the under-appreciated and highly under-funded world of high school sports! Not nearly enough attention is given to the athletes and coaches involved in this academic program.

Anyway, the school system of today is far superior to those of the past, such as colonial America, medieval Europe, and especially ancient Greece. What fools those guys were, they couldn’t even come up with better uniforms than those silly white sheets they tied around themselves!