Bruce WIllis: American Hero
Apparently Willis has no problem sending young men and women down to South America to die for his ideals, but he really can’t be bothered to stop making DIE HARD sequels, or coming up dumb names for his kids, to do anything about the ‘problem’ himself. A few years back Willis claimed he’s make a great American president. He was right.
Does that, by itself, make Willis a pussy? No, it’s just the latest in a long line of incidents starting with getting voted Penns Grove High’s guy with “Most School Spirit” back in 1973. 1973? Most School Spirit? If you weren’t there, watch DAZED AND CONFUSED for a good look at what high school was like in the 70’s, and Bruce was the wonk with Most School Spirit!
Ok, being a nerd in high school is one thing, but what about his defense of James “A Million Little Pieces” Frey when the story broke that Frey made up huge chunks of his memoir? Bruce accused Oprah of sucker punching Frey and went on to tout, “Frey is a writer, ok? He can write about whatever he wants”. Of course, Willis didn’t feel the same way about Lawrence Bass. Bass was Willis’ former ranch manager who tried to publish a tell-all book about his time with Willis and ex-wife Demi Moore (BLAME IT ON RIO) last year, only to be, Bass claims, intimidated by Willis into shutting up. Bummer. I really wanted to know why that sexual harassment suit against Moore got thrown out.
While we’re on the subject of shutting up: Willis was on the basic cable show RITA COSBY: LIVE AND DIRECT slamming the media bias in covering the war in Iraq and offering one million dollars of his own money to anyone who turns in Osama Bin Laden, Aymen Al-Zawahiri or Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi. Willis made the same pledge three years ago while visiting the troops; only he offered the million to the man that could capture Saddam Hussein. Hussein is in chains, but I still haven’t seen a press release announcing Willis’ bounty payout.
Willis has had a very spotty past with regards to his man’s man image and the whole war in Iraq/terrorism thing. The action star joined Brad Pitt (DALLAS), Catherine Zeta-Jones (SPLITTING HEIRS) and Julia Roberts (BAJA OKLAHOMA) in canceling trips to Europe to promote their new films in 2001. Of course, this was just two months after the attack and a lot of people were still too scared to fly. Woody Allen (THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION) wasn’t, but Bruce was.
British Airways CEO Rod Eddington even when so far as to call Willis a “gutless coward” and “pathetic”. “This is the guy who makes movies in which he’s the hero saving the world,” Eddington when on, “But in real life he’s too scared to fly in a plane”.
Willis cited unspecified ‘family reasons’ for his refusal to board the plane. What kind of pussy hides behind his family, especially after Willis sent out a press release heralding “Bruce Willis is flying in the face of fears about air travel by jetting over to Britain for the premiere of his movie BANDITS” just two weeks earlier.
OTHER PUSSY POINTS:
He’s happy to play houseboy to Demi and her third husband Ashton Kutcher (JUST MARRIED). Of course Willis learned how to smile around the new guy in the mother of his kids’ life back when they first broke up. Demi’s rebound boyfriend was martial arts expert Oliver Whitcomb, and Bruce didn’t want to get his ass kicked. I wonder if he has that same fear of Kutcher?
Earlier this month Willis made two little ten-year-olds cry when they tried to interview him on TV. Dylan McKenna-Redshaw and James Pallister, each less than a fifth of Willis age, were trying to interview the action star with their trademark ‘cheeky questions’ on the BBC’s ANT AND DEC’S SATURDAY NIGHT TAKEAWAY SHOW, when Willis snapped and started yelling at the kids. The show’s co-host, Declan Donnelly interrupted the interview and tried to calm the children down by telling them, ‘Bruce was a grumpy old man and it wasn’t their fault”.
Willis used to date Lindsay Lohan (PUNK’D), which doesn’t make him a pussy, per say, just stupid.
Willis filed a lawsuit against the producers of TEARS OF THE SUN because he got bumped on the forehead during a shooting scene. Willis claimed he suffered ‘substantial injuries’ and extreme mental, physical and emotional pain. But oddly, Willis filed no lawsuit against the producers of his movie THE WHOLE TEN YARDS when one of the stunt men disappeared was presumed dead after parachuting into the Pacific Ocean and was failed to be recovered. Oh wait, Bruce’s brother David produced THE WHOLE TEN YARDS, I guess that makes it different.
One month after 9/11 Willis swore he’s never play an action hero again, stating, “I’m not an action hero anymore, and I think it would be inappropriate for me to compare anything that happens in Hollywood and the entertainment industry to the tragic loss of life on September 11th.” since that statement he’s made HART’S WAR, TEARS OF THE SUN, HOSTAGE, SIN CITY, ALPHA DOG, 16 BLOCKS and has an action flick with Halle Berry (SWORDFISH) due and is in pre-production on DIE HARD 4.0 and MORGAN’S SUMMIT, a cheap rip off of DEATH WISH.
Willis was so torn up about 9/11 he briefly ran back into the arms of ex-wife Demi Moore. A spokesman for Willis released the statement, “Bruce knew that Demi and the girls were frightened by the terrorist attacks and he wanted to be with them. He especially wanted the girls to know that he would always be there to protect them and their mother because he loves them so deeply.” but were was the love on October 16th, just over a month after the attack, a drunk Willis was caught throwing a ten pound pumpkin off the roof of Seafina’s restaurant in New York, to the street below. I’m sure all the frightened New Yorkers below share the love and a laugh.
The afore mentioned DIE HARD 4.0 is slated to open later this year, staring Willis with Hollywood tough guy Justin Timberlake (LONG SHOT) playing his son. Come to think of it, Timberlake does kind of remind me of a young Willis.
But Bruce likes to be known as a the kind of guy that supports the careers of other actors he has met on set, most notable Michael Duncan Clarke (FRIDAY), whom he worked with on THE WHOLE NINE YARDS, got him work on ARMAGEDDON, SIN CITY and BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS and even suggested him to the producers of THE GREEN MILE, even though Clarke can’t act. So why didn’t good guy Willis give the part of John Jr. to the kid who originated the role in the first DIE HARD, Noah Land?
BONUS PUSSY POINTS:
When Willis was dating porn-star Alisha Klass (ASSGASMS 2), he had an electronics expert set up cameras set up in her apartment so he could send her “goodnight kisses”.
Willis had bomb experts scan the location of the sets in Prague while shooting HART’S WAR, because the area had once been a Russian military training ground. This was also the film where Colin Farrell (DAREDEVIL) called Willis on the carpet for not being able to remember his lines.
Farrell, who once dated Demi, explains, “He couldn’t remember a line to save his life! There was one scene where I said, ‘Objection, your Honor!’ And Bruce looked at me and then he looked at the script supervisor and said, ‘Line?’ She whispered, ‘Sustained!’ I said to him, ‘You better go home and get an early night – you have a word to learn tomorrow!'”
Edward Norton (AMERICAN HISTORY X) dropped out of HART’S WAR, rather than work with Willis.
Willis also helped break up the marriage of Monica Bellucci (THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST) and Vincent Cassell (SHREK) by having a fling with her on the set of HART’S WAR.
Willis pulled out of make OCEAN’S 11 to make an album with his band.
Two years ago Willis tried new ‘hair cloning’ treatments to cover his baldhead.
Just days after Demi announced she was going to marry Ashton Kutcher; Bruce purchased a Cartier diamond ring and proposed to girlfriend Brooke Burns (BAYWATCH). He dumped the 24-year-old two months later.
In 2000 Willis paid a crewmember on the set of UNBREAKABLE $500 to eat eight donuts in five minutes for his amusement.
Willis was awarded The Hasty Pudding Award and dressed, with relish, like a woman at the awards banquet.
Willis formed Uptop Music Corp to try to make money off of Ivan Neville, but apparently gave up after one try. Bruce’s strategy was to tour as Bruno the harp player with his band in support of Neville to help break him big. Wonder why it didn’t work?
THAT BEING SAID
If you needed any further proof that Bruce Willis is a pussy, he was made a Knight in the Order of Arts and Letters (Chevalier Dans L’Ordre Des Arts Et Des Lettres) by France last year. French Culture Minister Renaud Donnedieu de Vabres said, “This is France’s way of paying tribute to an actor who epitomizes the strength of American”. They also extended the honor to fey little Leonardo DiCaprio (CRITTERS 3). Man, those French are funny.
