Teenagers, a Guide and Resource to Parenting a Troubled Teen
The answer to these questions and concerns is very simple: puberty has set in. Understanding the physiological and cognitive changes of your teen may assist you in retaining your sanity while progressing through adolescence while nurturing this child into a fully productive and responsible adult.
Most research indicates the primary basis for such erratic behavior in a teenager, both male and female, is the hormone. With hormone fluctuations beginning in girls as early as two years prior to boys, the fluctuations physiologically will result in verbal and physical power struggles between the teenager and his peers, teachers and parents. This is normal behavior. Communication, which used to be a simple task, can, at times, become unbearable. The key to working through the teen years is learning coping mechanisms, as a parent, to create positive experiences during the power struggles.
In addition to physiological hormonal changes, teenagers also begin to experience a change in cognitive thinking. This is the period in their lives when critical thinking skills begin to develop and your teen will begin to understand the world is no longer black and white. This is the period when they begin to grasp the concept of “gray areas” and realize their parents can and will make mistakes. When developing their own opinions about the world around them, you, as the parent, will become the primary target of their expressions, both good and bad.
With understanding the cognitive and hormonal aspects of your teenager, you begin to understand your parenting style must also change to accommodate the changes within your child. For most non-life threatening issues, allow your child to make decisions and deal with the natural consequences. For example, my thirteen year old son refuses to complete his homework. As a result, he will fail math this year and will end up in summer school. While this is rather inconvenient, it is not a life threatening matter and it is a decision he will make and will suffer the “natural consequence” that comes along with his failure to self-motivate. It is by parental allowance of natural consequences that your teenager will come to realize that it is by his actions his life will be primarily impacted and may also impact others.
In situations where punishment is needed, deciding what the appropriate type of punishment is can be a tough road to travel. Research has shown that isolation and physical force may provide immediate results but do not provide lasting results. In some cases, this may be harmful to your child’s self esteem. One part of maturing through this period, as with natural consequences, is also learning to take responsibility for inappropriate as well as appropriate behavior. Be sure to give positive feedback when your teen follows through on what is expected on a daily basis. Research has shown that positive feedback will promote self-worth, improve self-esteem and improve communication and provide long term significant growth over negative reinforcement.
The primary message to remember is that your teen’s change in attitude may not be a reflection on your parenting skills. You also have a right to feel worn out and emotionally drained from the daily struggles. The key here is to understand the changes going on within your teen and tap into resources for guidance, obtain affirmation in your approach and lead your child into a healthy adulthood.
As resource recommendations, consider such books as “Parenting Teens with Love and Logic” by Foster W. Cline, M.D. and Jim Fay, (Pinon Press, $21.00) or “Stop Negotiating With Your Teen: Strategies for Parenting Your Angry, Manipulative, Moody, or Depressed Adolescent” by Janet Sasson Edgette (Peguin Group USA, $13.95). Both of these reading materials provide explanations for the evolution of teens, solutions to parenting challenges and further resource materials.
