Worst Date Ever
It’s said that there’s no fool like an old fool and, of course, like many sayings that have stood the test of time, it’s quite true. It’s probably more humiliating than otherwise because the old fool should have enough experience to know better. Yet, even when wisdom has been ignored, age offers consolation, for however red-faced the fool is now, experience has taught him that this too, shall pass.
No, for real down-and-dirty, pull-out-the-stops, couldn’t-you-just-die humiliation, I look back to my teenage years. Like every other teenager, my adolescent body contained a raging stew of hormones that pulled my mind along strange, new paths even as it reshaped my body. Like all children, I still thought the world revolved around me but, unlike when I was younger, everything was as much threat as opportunity and a single wrong move on my part or it’s could ruin me for life. I can’t tell you how many nights something as minor as getting a zit or a snub from the “in” crowd, would have me frantically raging against the cruelty of the heavens or, alternately, pleading with them to stop the torture and please, please, let Scotty beam me up!
Even with such a wealth of embarrassments, one incident in particular stands out in my memory. It had to do with my first car and my first serious girlfriend.
Ever since I had gotten my driver’s license at age sixteen, I had been working hard at various odd and part-time jobs to get enough money to buy my own car. A car would give me the freedom to go places when I wanted to, not just when my parents were willing to let me borrow theirs. Owning a car would be taking one more step in the rite of passage to adulthood and, all of a sudden, the need became urgent.
I met Sandy in a drug store when she came up and asked me about the comic book I was reading. Now at this age, it hadn’t been long since girls had changed from something to be teased or avoided to mysterious and alluring creatures whose attention would normally reduce me to stuttering incomprehensibility, but Sandy had unwittingly hit on the one subject I was passionate enough about to forget my fears and we talked for hours on the virtues of bat men and gamma ray mutants. She was a freckled brunette of my own age, a bit on the scrawny side, but girls who liked the same comic books I did were few and far between. It was love at first sight.
For a while, it was all right going on dates when my parents could let me use their car but, as things grew more serious, the inadequacies of this restricted loan program became more apparent. I needed my own wheels. I had just enough money to buy an old Ford Falcon. It wasn’t much to look at. It was dented and the powder blue exterior had become a lot more powdery since the day it had rolled off the assembly line but it had something I really needed- a front seat that came down to lie flush with the rear one. When you live with your parents, a car must serve as more than transportation. It must double as your apartment.
Sandy and I had done some heavy petting but we were both virgins and wanted to be sure it was really Love before we took that last Big Step. We waited an eternity to make certain the relationship was going to be a lasting one. It was several weeks at least.
Finally, the big night arrived. After going to a movie we were both too nervous to watch, we got into the car and drove around looking for a special place to express our passion. We didn’t want to go to the local Lover’s Lane. Our love was a sacrament that couldn’t be cheapened at such a place. So we settled on the unlit after-hours parking lot of a Chinese restaurant.
We were well prepared for our encounter with destiny. Sandy had brought spermicidal foam and I, through ignorance and an over-estimation of capacity, had brought three boxes of condoms. The seats, which were to be our bower, were covered with blankets and lowered down to make a kind of lumpy mattress. All was ready.
In the confined interior of the car, the two of us nervously bumped and giggled our way out of our clothes and into each other’s arms. After a lot of petting and kissing, Sandy told me it was time to consummate our love. She applied the spermicidal foam to herself and I began to fumble with the condom. Who knew the damned things were so hard to put on? If you don’t unroll it just right you get pinched forcefully enough to forget what you wanted it for in the first place. Still, young love is not to be denied so I tuned out the eye-crossing pain as best I could and persisted until, at last, it was on.
Success achieved, I sat back panting though, this time, not from passion. Then I looked at Sandy and forgot everything else. Though only dimly illuminated by the starlight that shined through the windshield, she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. She lay smiling before me. Her legs were open and I could see the Holy Grail of every teenaged boy’s quest. The moment of truth was at hand and, oh, I was so ready for it! Lovingly, I leaned towards her âÂ?¦and that’s when a flashlight was shined on us through the window.
We both screamed with surprise. Sandy tried to cover herself with a blanket but to no avail because I grabbed it from her and ducked my head beneath it. Now she started screaming with anger as well as embarrassment. I don’t know what could have been going through my head. I doubt I even had a coherent thought but I sure must have presented a tempting target as I knelt there like an ostrich with my head under the blanket and my butt in the air. Sandy gave me such a powerful slap on my bare bottom that I shot forward and banged my head on the car door. The security guard who had shined the flashlight through the window was laughing so hard he couldn’t catch his breath and it was several minutes before any of us could sort ourselves out.
When we did manage to get our clothes on, the guard, still laughing, made shooing motions to herd us towards the exit and out of the parking lot. Sandy wouldn’t speak to me the whole way home and I can’t say that I blame her. We didn’t see each other again either. I was very sad and, to this day, regret that my first love, which almost started with a bang, ended with a whimper.
