Road Trip

Last year, my best friend and I decided to take a two-week road trip around the western half of the US. Along our journey, we were staying with friends and family. We had made it from Austin, Texas, up through Oklahoma and Kansas, over through Colorado, Wyoming and we were staying with a friend in Missoula, Montana.

We called our friend around 3 PM to tell her we were making great time and would get to her house earlier than we anticipated. She was at the Laundromat drinking. That should have been our first clue about the adventure to come.

We arrived at her house moments before she did, and she came barreling into her parking spot, obviously intoxicated. “Hey, Bitches!” was her greeting. This girl gave us enough time to put our bags in her home before she wanted to take us out to the bars. We figured there wasn’t anything else to do in Missoula, so we agreed on the condition that we could drive since she was already drunk.

Now, all day my friend and I had been making pretty lame jokes about sleazy Mountain Men being dumb and unclean. We did so in jest, thinking surely these stereotypes couldn’t be true. Unfortunately, we were about to find out that at least one sleazy Mountain Man exists.

Now, we had been there long enough that at 7PM we were already pretty intoxicated. My friend and I never even start drinking until at least after 8PM at home. So when a group of guys came up asking if they could play pool, we had it in our minds we would be these great pool sharks and actually beat them. Fortunately, they were drunker than we were so we did win. Unfortunately, they had taken Mountain Men Pick-Up Lines 101.

This one kid, if I can call a college age male a kid, came up to me with a sly grin on his face. Not introducing himself he says, “Your friend is hot, should I ask her if she wants to sit on my face?” I was horrified and didn’t respond. I don’t know if I was more horrified at his question or the fact that his breath smelled as though a crazy Mountain Woman had already been sitting on his face.

“Hey, you there! I’m gonna ask your friend to sit on my face.”

I knew her reaction would be priceless so I told him to go ahead. I walked over to where my friend was standing and told her to be prepared. But before I could tell her why, Mountain Breath comes up and says “Hey hot stuff, come sit on my face for a month.”

I expected her to slap him, but she took it in stride, “I won’t be here for a month.”

“Well, how about a week?”

She goes off explaining how inappropriate it is to ask such a thing. It was a good rant that I wish were caught on tape. And she ended it by saying he never even told her his name.

“Hmm, ok, what about you,” he says to me. “You wanna sit on my face?”

Someone, please tell me not all men in mountainous areas are like this, please?