Married and Bored: Her Majesty, the Queen of England: Your Mother-in-Law

You are expected to be a humble peasant to her, kissing her ring and lavishing her with high praises. She expects you to act like a mix between James Bond and Sir Lancelot. I’m referring to your mother-in-law of course. If you are not writing her daughter a sonnet or buying flowers, you are nothing but an ingrate. Not making six fugures? Lazy. She is like your own personal Queen Mother that you have to tend to.

How come she has to be elbow deep on you all the time? You don’t ask for much. You don’t cheat, eat crackers in bed, drink milk out of the carton, you put the toilet seat back down, take out the trash, and you even kind of like your kids. Your mother-in-law cannot be bothered with such trifles as your efforts to please, and thus your beloved princess of a wife only relays the bad news to the Queen Mother.

Let’s make one thing plain and clear for our clan of Married-n-Bored men: your interests, your dreams, your expectations – are all laughable trivialities in the eyes of the Queen Mother. Unless you are serving the interests of the Crown, and that means raking in money for the younger princess, the Queen looks at you as if she rolled over a rock in the yard and you were the sowbug underneath. What you represent is a second chance for her to change a man. She couldn’t change her own husband years ago, so now you represent Barabados to her British Navy. She wants to crush you.

Every fight you get into with your wife will be reported to the Crown. The Queen Mother will give advice to your wife that will make you cringe and want to treat your wife badly just on principle. And just wait until Thanksgiving when you are sopping up your gravy and peas with a piece of bread while watching the Detroit Lions and in front of the whole family the Queen Mother pounces on you about the time your wife caught you pissing in the kitchen sink after a night at the bar. That woman looks old, but she’s still got the mind of a Machiavellian politician. She’s got allies, too. A network of Ladies of the Court wait to hear about the things you have done to the precious princess. You are a barbarian to them. One day you will be strolling in the mall when Mrs. Whitaker, the tiny old widow whose lawn you mowed for ten years, comes up and says hello to your wife and gives you the dirty stink-eye. Yep, your old friend Mrs. Whitaker also knows that you pissed in the sink. All of these women then gather around the Queen and say, “I remember when he was a little boy. I always thought that kid was partially retarded and would grow up to be a pervert.”

But I got your back, my Married-n-Bored friends. Once again, before you declare all out war on the nagging Queen, here are some tips for dealing with Her Highness:

1.) Learn to joust and fence: Show up at your mother-in-law’s place on a white horse. Wear protective chain mail armor over your whole body. That would be a good start. For dramatic effect, jump over the moat that surrounds her evil castle. Using your joust stab her ridiculous cat in the neck.

2.) Drink tea with your pinky raised: Become as close to being homosexual as you possibly can without going the distance and performing rimjobs. That way you will be able to talk to her about the colors in her throne room with sufficient interest. She will be appeased by your femininity and may not broach the subject of your spousal abuse.

3.) Oppress half the world: Divide and conquer most of the known world, including India, most of Africa, and the Carribbean. If that doesn’t impress her, start a war with China to force the Chinese people to become to addicted to opium. Beat and torture the people of Ireland for 500 years and see if she doesn’t warm up to you.

4.) Use flowers as a forcefield: If you brought flowers for the Queen, keep those buds between you and your mother-in-law at all times. She may eventually attempt to corner you like the British were able to do to Tahiti, so you need to think three moves ahead of her. Never let the flowers out of her sight. The minute those flowers get behind her or out of her viewing area, your kudos no longer exist and you are back to being a peasant. Keeping a long stem rose up your sleeve is not a bad idea, even if you end up bleeding from the thorns. Anything to avoid being degraded by the Queen of England. If things go south, you could cram it up her regal patootie before you become an exile.

Be careful about acting up in the Queen’s chambers. Kensington Palace is no place to be insubordinate, even if it is in a trailer court. Long live the Queen!

Your humble servant,
Married-n-Bored
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