The Top 5 Worst Cable News Jerks: Just Look at MSNBC and FOX
Dan Abrahams is like a jerk in training. For all I know, he’s been around for the last decade, but he always looks like he’s got something to prove (he also looks like he’s 19). His show is just like all the others. He gets people to debate (read: yell at) each other; sometimes, when it’s one on one, Abrams will play the bully. He tries (painfully so) to act like the everyman. Abrams comes off as a jerk who truly thinks that everyone likes him. He’s like the jock in high school that everybody hates, but who thinks he’s beloved.
4. Tucker Carlson, MSNBC – The Situation
Tucker Carlson, better known as the guy who wears the bowtie, doesn’t wear the bowtie anymore. He’s also put on at least 25 pounds since his CNN days as the co-host of Crossfire. I don’t know why he lost the bowtie; I guess being known as the bowtie guy was reason enough to lose it. Carlson is part of the new wave of MSNBC anchor guys. The shows are all supposedly hip and the talking heads are fresh and young (move over, Wolf Blitzer!). There’s only one problem. Carlson’s ideas are about as fresh as a year old banana. He looks young, he doesn’t wear a tie, but when he opens his mouth he sounds like a jaded old southerner; bitter about everything. His blatantly republican ties are more disgusting than any bowtie he ever wore. Tucker Carlson wishes his show was as good as fellow MSNBCer Keith Olberman’s Countdown, but he doesn’t have the attitude, the humor or the personality for that.
3. Joe Scarborough, MSNBC – Scarborough Country
Not to be confused with New York’s local news stalwart Chuck Scarborough, Joe Scarborough is MSNBC’s answer to Fox News. Scarborough makes Tucker Carlson look like Michael Moore, and for this reason I’ve only watched his program for a total of 37 seconds (plus, his beady eyes scare me). But I would like to talk about the name of his cable news show, Scarborough Country. It sounds like the name of some CMT VJ’s Top 20 Country Songs countdown. Who the hell does this guy think he is? I mean, I have a problem with people incorporating their last names into their cable news program titles, but this is beyond ridiculous. Joe Scarborough should be exterminated. Chuck Scarborough, we’re cool man.
2. Sean Hannity, Fox News – Hannity & Colmes
The show might as well be called Hannity & His Little Liberal Bitch. There might not be a more idiotic personality out there than Sean Hannity. Hannity has said so many stupid things that I don’t even know where to begin. He obviously speaks without thinking and, while sometimes this can be a good thing, the things that fly out of his stupid mouth are usually really ignorant and probably inaccurate. What makes Hannity even worse is his sidekick Alan Colmes. Colmes is supposed to represent the liberal side of the debate, but Hannity (if he wants to) doesn’t let him get a word in edgewise. Hannity is a big powerful jerk; a published author and the host of a popular syndicated radio program. He’s got a lot of fans. These people are idiots too.
1. Bill O’Reilly, Fox News – The O’Reilly Factor
You are entering a no spin zone. I probably just got sued for using that phrase; the motto of the Godfather of Cable News. Nobody’s been a cable asshole better or longer than Mr. O’Reilly. He’s famous for cutting off guests and generally making them feel inferior to the mystic power that is O’Reilly. O’Reilly’s politics aren’t as cut and dry as someone like Hannity, which makes him a sneakier snake to wrangle. He’s down right moderate on some issues and it kind of makes you scratch your head. But then he puts somebody down with a smarmy, ignorant comment and you feel like the world is okay again. His battles with rappers like Ludacris were hilarious. For some reason, one of O’Reilly’s favorite topics to opine about is rap lyrics. He fucking hates rap lyrics and I am so glad that he does. With all the truly horrible things to take a stand against, the fact that O’Reilly (still) makes such a big deal about musical genre is truly funny.
But don’t cross O’Reilly, he’ll pop a cap is your ass.
