Introduce a Same-Sex Partner to the Family: Gay, Lesbian, and Queer Advice

During my freshman year at the University of Arizona, I invited my mother to watch me perform in a dance concert. She flew to California from New Jersey and visited my Aunt Dee in Los Angeles. They drove 8 hours from Los Angeles to Arizona in a sporty, red Jetta. I was 18 years old. It was the first time any family members had visited me since I moved from New Jersey to attend college. Hence, I was ecstatic when they called me on the cell phone to inform me that they were within the city limits.

After a few days, my mother decided to spend some time alone with me so we could “catch up.” We went to T.G.I Fridays and ordered some light appetizers with salad concoctions for lunch. In the middle of our splendid mother-son conversation, my mother suddenly stared at my finger.

“Who gave you that ring?” she asked.

The circuits in my brain started to overload and tension flowed throughout my body. At the time, I had a same-sex significant other named Zam. He gave me a white gold, heart- shaped commitment ring for Valentine’s Day. I had not yet disclosed my sexual orientation to my family and could have really used a pacemaker at that moment.

So, I said, “Nobody.” Then mom began drilling me with a series of questions.

“Is it from your girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Are you engaged?”

“No.”

“Is it from your Lover?” She uncomfortably grimaced.

“Yes.”

“Are you gay, son?”

“Yes. Yes, I am.”

My mother sat silently for a few minutes and told me that we needed to talk about “this” after lunch. Part of our agreement, aside from not immediately telling father, was that my mother wanted to meet this guy. With a slight hesitation, I arranged a dinner social for mom, Aunt Dee, Zam, and me at Macaroni Grill. I figured – I loved Italian food and if anything went wrong, at least I could engorge myself with fettuccine alfredo.

The first fifteen minutes of the dinner were colloquial and courteous. My Aunt was a television producer and Zam was an actor, so they seemed to be fittingly compatible. Aunt Dee and my mother asked the basic questions of Zam – Where are you from? What do you parents do for a living? How old are you? Etc.

Just when I was ready to enjoy a sigh of relief, the topic turned to sex. I don’t know how this happened. I was ascending from a dive into my plate of pasta and Zam was talking about STD transmission among gay men, lime-green thongs, and sex in Reid Park. Surprisingly, my family guests nodded with eyes open real wide and falsified some girly giggles. However, I knew that these giggles meant that mom was pissed off. I think Zam also caught the drift. He changed his topic to:

“Remember the time I almost lit ny bleached, blonde hair on fire with my cigarette lighter, Aaron?”

“(Zam) smokes?”

My mother, a personal trainer and holistic health guru, was mortified. Aunt Dee and mom promptly ended dinner. As they were bidding me goodbye, Zam retrieved his car, an old Nissan on the verge of absolute implosion. My mom looked at me and said, “I love you, but I raised you better than this.” She started crying hysterically. For the next four days, she cried every time she called me.

DISCUSSION

An introduction of your same sex partner to your family members is an important step towards your personal identity that must be approached cautiously, in most cases. There is no way to predict the outcome, but you can alleviate some of the stress of the situation with proper planning.

I introduced you to my personal story as inspiration and a lesson. Certainly, I am a confident and (generally) well balanced openly gay man, which means, I survived. If I can survive, so can you. As a lesson, I made the following errors in my experience:

2. I was not READY for it. Remember mom nagging me?
4. I came out to my mother AND introduced her to Zam in the same day.
6. I did not plan for the situation. Zam and I did not discuss it.

I cannot reiterate enough the importance of being ready to introduce your partner, lover, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend to the family. Being ready does not mean that you will not have a slight anxiety of the situation. This is common for people from all walks of life and sexual orientations.

LEVEL I – BE READY

Ready means that you understand that the family could be skeptical of your choice of a partner and it can be a second coming out “partay”. Naturally, family members, especially parents, want their children to select a mate that cherishes their son or daughter for all they are worth. Parents, many who have been in serious relationships, want to save their cubs from the pain of breakups and bad romantic choices.

Families know how harsh society can be against GLBTQ communities. Unfortunate for families that do not accept their sons and daughters, an introduction of a same sex mate confirms queerness. In other words, they know that you probably have or will engage in sexual activities with this person. Rather than love their family members without judgment, it is not uncommon for families to subconsciously envision these sexual activities in the most brutal and stereotypically pornographic fashions.

So, I recommend to people who are closeted not to use their partner as their device for coming out to conservative family members. If you are not prepared to come out to your family, then you cannot be ready to introduce a spouse. Also, I understand that some people simply do not know whether their family is accepting or not. If you come out to your family before you introduce a partner, it permits you a gauge for their reaction and level of tolerance/acceptance.

In cases of particularly liberal households or friends, it may not be problematic. Bringing a male or female of the same sex home to these households would not differ from that of any other relationship in their purview. All you aforementioned “lucky” ones should keep reading. I have tailored my advice for a variety of situations.

LEVEL II – DEBRIEFING

Once you are no longer closeted and have gained familiarity with your family situation, you are prepared for the next level of planning. This level is called debriefing. Sit down with your partner and have a nice, long conversation about introducing them to your family. He or she could have his or her own anxieties of the situation and this should be taken into account.

Don’t forget to give him or her an overview of your family. What are they like? Are there any topics that should be avoided during this meeting? Only few, general remarks are necessary. Your partner should not have to compromise his or her personality over this family meeting. Yet, it is supposed to be as cordial and friendly of an atmosphere as it can be. Wear appropriate attire based upon the location and definitely don’t delve into the “secrets” of queer life.

For certain individuals, a meet and greet with the family represents a higher level of commitment than you might perceive. Do not coerce your partner into an introduction to your family. It is common for two people to have different senses of romantic pace in a relationship, but be alerted when these differences are extreme. If you think that a month later wedding bells will be ringing, but he or she thinks that dates outside your relationship is appropriate, discuss these differences.

The following component to debriefing requires a bit of intuition. Optionally and depending on the method you choose to introduce your partner, debrief your family on him or her. Impress upon them the importance of this event to you. Tell them a bit about his or her background and interests. If you have established a comfort level with your family, bring a picture of him or her in your wallet. This humanizes your partner prior to the meeting. It also offers you the opportunity to discover the best time and place.

If you are committed to doing this and know that your family conduct themselves egregiously, invite some people who will support you. This could be an especially supportive group of friends or a family member who helped ease the coming out process. In cases where physical harm is a risk, discuss your plans and situation with a counselor or psychotherapist.

LEVEL III – YOUR PARTAY

By now, hopefully, you have extinguished possible quirks and have built some self-confidence. I suggest a selection from 3 possible scenarios for introducing your same sex partner to the family or family members: Public Forum, House call, or Morning Lark.

• Public Forum

The usual public forum for family “dates” is a meal. Dinners can be quite anxious. I do not advise everyone against it, but stray carefully. Dinner requires partiers and rockers to dress up. If you or your partner does not like wearing suits, ties, or dress clothes, avoid dinner. After all, this is YOUR partay.

Instead, consider a light lunch or brunch. Go somewhere with big windows, on a terrace, or by the shore. Light and natural landscapes have therapeutic affects on humans. People finish light cuisine more quickly. This is great for a brief, but meaningful encounter.

Individuals with intolerant families should not have this meal in the main family home. If you can’t afford a prix frix, break bread in your apartment or house. Overall, you want to have control of the situation. At your own house, you can ask people to leave who respond inappropriately.

• House call

This scenario is for people who don’t really want to make a big deal out of the event or want it to be quick and painless. Drive to your family member’s home on a predetermined date with your significant other and ring the doorbell. When they open the door, say, “Hi. I want you to meet my (partner), (insert name).” This is effective for families who are mildly accepting or liberal.

If you know that you will face rejection, do not do this unless you want to cause a scene. Chances are that mom, dad, sis, bro, or whoever, will say, “How dare you bring them to my house!” If you must make a house call, then do the opposite. Invite the family to your house as you would with the lunch.

• Morning Lark

This is my favorite methodology that only works for very liberal or bohemian households in which you still reside. If you are a rebel or activist, this will probably tempt you, too. Bring your partner over for a late dinner or movie and allow him or her to sleepover on the weekend. Remember: debrief your partner first. The following morning, make a pancake (or vegan) breakfast for everyone in the house. When he or she awakes, introduce your family to him or her over breakfast.

CONCLUSION

Realize that introductions may not go as you intended. All outcomes are successful. You will make a personal step towards self-identity. Afterwards, place a call to your family and thank them for meeting your partner. To go the extra mile, your partner could mail a thank-you note to your family, too. Later discuss the outcome with your partner and family members separately.

For good reactions, follow up with a house call one week later. This indicates the value of your relationship. For bad reactions, it is your decision. You can selectively schedule future events with family and partner under your control until they become more accepting. Or you may want to only attend major holidays with your family. This requires significant self-exploration and you must weigh the intimacy of your family against your partner.

Be mindful of the three levels: Be Ready, Debrief, and Partay. Introducing your same sex partner to your family requires common sense and intuition. It is where emergency preparedness meets party planning,