A Smoking Degenerate’s Guide to Marathon Running

On November 19th I will be running in the Philadelphia Marathon; the one year anniversary of the Haditha killings. That really doesn’t have anything with the marathon other than I might die during the course of that run.

I’ve started the training process and it’s been fairly painful. I get up every morning and run two to four miles on a treadmill. Yes, I am fucking far off from marathon shape; thanks for asking.

For whatever reason, I’ve always wanted to run a marathon. I actually used to be an athlete (all state football in high school, but I don’t want to brag), but these days my body looks like a giant stalk of celery covered in Silly Putty. So, I have to run this marathon. By running this marathon I leave myself no choice; I have to get in shape. I’m like a Muslim extremist; only I’m not a Muslim and I’m not that extreme.

Oh yeah, I’m a smoker too; and from what I hear, smoking and marathon running are not exactly peanut butter and jelly. Needless to say, this is not going to be easy.

I’ve created a little outline that I like to call The Smoking Degenerate’s Guide to Marathon Running. It’s a loose, six month mantra for anybody who wants to get in marathon shape. I must warn you; this guide is in an experimental stage and has yet to have been tested.

The first three months are crucial. If you fall behind during this phase, you’re fucked. You’re overall goal during this period is to be able to run 15 miles without dying. You don’t have to quit smoking during this period but you should at least be seriously mulling it over.

Start running on a treadmill; whatever you can do. You should be running six times a week. Don’t kill yourself; just get yourself into trading mode. By the end of the month, you should be able to double your original run in an outdoor environment. If you can’t run a mile without puking, you’re drinking too much. Limit you’re alcohol content to nine alcoholic beverages a night (no more than twelve if you are a beer drinker). Again, start to think seriously about giving that up too.

The beginning of the fourth month is crucial; it’s what I like to call the turning point. You can either continue on your path to righteousness and eternal glory or you can fall back into your hole of perpetual despair (the choice is yours). If you’re still smoking several packs a week at this point, you’re screwed; give up. By the end of month four you should be able to run 18 miles.

At this point, you’ll either be dead or dead set on killing this fucking marathon. This is the time to concentrate on the mental aspect (you should only be running hard once or twice a week with light jogs in between). Alcohol consumption should be phased out completely going into the final month and cigarettes should be down to one pack a week (or less).

If you’ve made it to month six, you’re going to be fine. Limit running of any kind to three times a week. Attempt a 23 to 24 mile run at least twice during this period. Before month six begins, purchase one pack of cigarettes (menthols aren’t allowed). That pack of cigarette will be your last. Space out your stogies as liberally as you want but make sure your last one is a week prior to the race.

If you follow this guide, you’ll be ready (I think).

Good luck (I’m gonna need it).