Hollywood’s Movie Preview Review
“Oh, such trends! Wonderful, stupendous trends. Trends to keep you on the edge of your seats. Trends worth paying $9.50 to see. We’ll be looking at a number of movies based on TV shows.”
Frankly, that surprised me. After all, we’ve seen this already. The studios have all released films like “Miami Vice,” “Charlie’s Angles,” and “Bewitched” and none of them have really done well
Ms. Grippe conceited the point, admitting that the recent slate of TV-based movies had fail. The reason seems to be that many of the films manage to alienate the fans of the original shows by totaling changing their premise and situations to appeal to the youth market while failing to attract the youth market by basing the story on a TV show that existed before they were born. After much consideration and a bevy of focus groups, the studios feel they have a way to overcome this hurdle. “From now on we’re basing movies on TV shows that failed. You know, shows that weren’t on the air that long.”
And why do that, you ask. Hollywood is ready with a response: “We get the “concept” of a pre-sold idea, but since nobody remembers the show, we can pretty much do what we want without disappointing anyone. We both court and avoid preconceptions!”
By creating movies from TV shows that everyone remembers but nobody actually watched it saves studios the trouble of thinking up a new idea. New ideas are scary things in Hollywood, because coming up with an idea could mean it’s a bad idea. No one knows. But if you use an old idea, even if it’s a bad idea, it’s a know quantity therefore much easier to deal with.
Hollywood has begun previewing their new films, such as the upcoming feature, “My Mother, the Car: The Motion Picture.” I remember that show. I never saw it, but I remember it. But as Ms. Grippe stated, “People remember the title, they remember the theme song, heck, some people even remember that the car was a 1928 Porter. But the show itself is a blank slate.”
“Tabular Rosa,” I blurted.
“Who I believe is directing,” stated Ms. Grippe. “So, when we change the car to a time-traveling Bentley with nuclear capability, owned by Christina Ricci, the audience will be none the wiser.”
Next up was a new version of “Gilligan’s Island,” a show I had seen an episode of. You know, the one where they almost got off the island. As it was explained to me, this version has Leonardo DiCaprio as Gilligan, Kate Winslow as Ginger, and Christina Ricci as Maryann aboard the SS Minnow for that fateful 3 hour tour. “Boffo!” remarked Ms. Grippe, “Leo, Kate and a shipwreck, people will go nuts!”
Next I was shown the “The Ropers,” a show I didn’t recall. It seems it was the spin off of “Three’s Company” featuring the landlord and his wife, which was when Don Knotts joined the cast of “Three’s Company.” Ms. Grippe looked at me blankly before I nudged her on. Now the Ropers are landlords of a space station, catering to creatures from all over the galaxy, like Christina Ricci. Then the aliens organize a rent strike and the Ropers go after them, hunting them down and destroying them with their photon-laser shotgun. I didn’t recall the show being set in space. I was told it didn’t matter.
These movies are in the pipeline as we speak. They’ve all got “soft green lights” and are entering the pre-pre-production stage. At this point Ms. Gripped asked me what television show I was interviewing her for. I told her it wasn’t for TV but for publication.
“What, like books and stuff?”
I nodded and she made an offer for the movie rights. “Nobody reads anymore! What a gold mine! I see it now; you’re a content writer who solves mysteries with his team of super-powered dinosaurs! It writes itself! Have your people call my people!”
I told her if I come across any people belonging to me, I’d do that.
So remember, movies are going to be more like TV, only you won’t be able to change the channel.
