Evil Toys that like to Hurt Children
CHOKERS
The toy industry is supposed to safety-test products geared to children under five with a “choke tube,” a cylinder with the approximate diameter of Little Tommy’s trachea. If small, potentially inhalable objects fit into the tube, they’re off limits to ankle biters. Buttons on dolls have been an age-old menace, as well as tasty Lego blocks. One child actually died from eating Magnetix – the tiny, interlocking magnets formed a tight cluster and perforated his lower intestine! Is the concept of creative play and spatial reasoning really worth this kind of tragic outcome? There have also been several Curious George products with the ability to asphixiate: children have the choice between swallowing George’s plush cell phone or garroting themselves with his red balloons ( which look suspiciously like testes with George himself in the prostate position ). Also, judging from the amount of recalls, anything with Tweety on it ( key rings, sandals, and rattles ) is going straight down the hatch. and then there’s Kinder Surprise Eggs – we all know what the surprise is: your child turning blue!
IMPALERS
Watch out, Vlad! Here comes Mattel’s Batmobile with its tail wings sharp as shivs! God forbid your kid is driving it down the floor and they happen to hit a bump in the carpet! You can go out and blow his college fund now because Junior is skewered!
Worst of all are the shark-shaped pool sticks designed to stand straight up at the bottom of the pool where they can be fetched by eager young divers. Something that was obviously not considered in the safety certification of this product: the shallow end! Many cases of vaginal and rectal impalement have been reported – and that’s not good.
DEAFENERS
It’s hot pink! It’s from Wal-Mart! It’s 117 decibels ( 32 decibels above the hearing loss threshold )! Want your children to understand sign language when they grow up? Then the Kid Connection Electric Guitar makes the perfect gift. Think of the pastoral tranquility of your home and yard shattered by this portable sonic boom. Delightful!
CRUSHERS
Let’s all play Chicken Limbo! Put on some calypso music, arch your back, and limbo your way under the splayed-leg chicken. Note the structural instability of the base poles. Oh no, the chicken fell on little Cindy – she’s all clucked up! We’ll get you for this, Milton Bradley! The estate of John Lennon must be fuming about the “Imagine” mobile – it plays his timeless anthem of peace and love, and then its arms break off and it falls on the baby. “Imagine there’s no lawsuits…” Get in there, Yoko, put a stop to this!
BURNERS
Rose Art Industries seems to specialize in incendiary devices for the nursery. There were over 225 reports of their Cotton Candy Machine jamming and overheating, and their Soap Making Kit with its microwavable lava might just as easily be called a Third Degree Burns Making Kit.
HEAD INJURERS
Mommy, what’s a subdural hematoma? Every kid wants to be The Thing, enforcer to The Fantastic Four and star of two God-awful movies. Well, wish fulfillment is only a pair of rocky orange fists away. The makers of Fantastic Four Thing Hands, despite including the mixed message “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” on the box, recommend that you don’t use your new giant fists to pummel pets and smaller siblings. They are “for dress-up fantasy play only.” Kickaroos Anti-Gravity Boots are fun, springy soles that you attach to the bottom of your sneakers. You are guaranteed one full minute of fun before your head strikes the curb and consciousness fades.
W.A.T.C.H. has been in operation since 1968, guarding the world against sleazy toy merchants. Just like Dan Ackroyd’s character on Saturday Night Live, who tries to sell oily rags and bags of broken glass to underaged consumers, there are heartless profiteers out there who would rather bank a buck than keep a critter breathing.
