Leadership and Self-Deception
The Arbinger Institute believes that “The discovery of the cause of self-deception amounts to the revelation of a sort of unifying theory, an explanation that shows how the apparently disparate collection of symptoms that we call people problems-from problems in leadership to problems in motivation and everything in between-are all caused by the same thing-self deception. The concept of self-betrayal is acting in a way that is discordant with yourself. When I betray myself, I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betrayal. That justification is self-deception. When I see a self-justifying world, my view of reality becomes distorted. Then I enter the box of self-deception. Blaming another individual for our problems is the first symptom of self-deception. Some symptoms of the box: 1) backbiting 2) lack of motivation 3) lack of trust communication problems 4) stress 5) lack of focus 6) troublemaking. Once in the box of self-betrayal and self-justification, the box becomes habitual and most individuals cannot “see” beyond the box. They are creating their own version of reality. And it is a very negative version of reality. This concept is paramount to the old concept of 12 blind men, trying to describe an elephant. One man, sees the elephant as a rope because he is touching the elephant’s nose. Another man views the elephant as a tree trunk, because he is encountering the elephant’s legs. However, self-deception takes this concept further in that in self-deception what we are seeing is a self-lie, and we must justify ourselves in it, and it is very negative. So, someone in the box would see the nearby tree as the elephant (the lie), would justify and fight for the tree as the elephant (justification), and would see the tree as a bad thing (perhaps sees the branches as weapons that cause scratches).
Managerial, the problem is circular. Self-betrayal leads to self-deception. Self-deception leads to more self-betrayal. This self-deception, this needed justification places us into a “box”. When you are “in the box”, you focus on stabilizing your box instead of focusing on results. Influence and success depend on getting out of the box. The Arbinger Institute states that how successful you are is dependent literally on getting yourself out of the box. Self-deception is actually a reflection of yourself. For example, if I see myself a victim, then I see the other as empowered. If I see myself as hardworking, then I see the other person as inconsiderate and lazy. If I see myself as important, then I see the other person as unappreciative. If I see myself as a good dad, then I see the other person as a lousy Mom. The old clichÃ?© of one lover accuses another lover of cheating on him, when in reality he is the one doing the cheating-is a perfect example, of justifying self-betrayal. Essentially anytime someone accuses you of something that you know you are not doing, essentially they themselves are doing that very thing. The self-betrayal needed to see myself as hardworking, is what creates the self deception that “the other” person is inconsiderate and lazy. The Arbinger Institute states that, “over time certain boxes become characteristic of me, and I carry them with me.”.
Jean Paul Sartre essentially covered a version of this topic in the famous philosophical treatise “Being and Nothingness”. We as individuals are in a “state of being” until we “encounter” the “other” (another person). We must be “better” then the other person. We must “beat” the other. The more we “battle the other”, the less power we actually have to create the circumstances in our lives that we wish. Or as the Arbinger Institute again states, the less successful we are in our lives. What the Arbinger Institute defines as being in the box, Sartre would define as “confronting the other” in our lives. The more we attempt to gain power or control over the other, the less power and control we actually have. Attempting to control others, is one symptom of “confronting the other” and one symptom “being in the box”. In business some examples of being the box, or “giving control over to “the other” is 1) Withholding information, which gives others reason to do the same. 2) Withholding resources from others, who then feel the need to protect resources from us 3) Blaming others for dragging their feet and in so doing give them even more reason to drag their feet. Also an inability to trust, a lack of accountability, and communication problems.
In terms of communication being in the box makes you virtually ineffective. The Arbinger Institute states that “people respond primarily to not what you do, but how you’re doing to something and how you feel when you do it”. For example, if in your box you see someone as lazy-to justify your hardworking ness, then you “take a meeting with that individual” to discuss scheduling. During the meeting the individual will see the underlying attitude of “your lazy” in your approach in what you do, what you say and how you say it. This makes communication virtually ineffective. As well, blame is one easily identifiable characteristic of being in the box. So, for example, to convince yourself you are hardworking, you would go after “Pam and her laziness” and the reason that you are “not getting as much done” as you need too is because of Pam. If Pam had done X, then you could have gotten Y done.
Another polarizing element of the box is the need for collusion or the need to get others join us in our self-deception or in our box. So, if we say that Pam is lazy to create the impression that I am hardworking, we must convince Mary, June, and Suzanne that Pam is also lazy-have them collude in our box. This can and many times “does polarize” a company. Cliques are created and neither side will easily work together, work at times can come to a stand still.
The key to “getting out of the box” is radically self-responsibility. Instead of blaming Pam (utilizing the above example), get the work done. See what you can do instead of wasting time on getting Pam to do something. Or trying to get Pam to change or trying to get “other people” on “your side”. Essentially realize your problem is that you are creating your own problem; you are unable to see that you are creating your own problem, fight changing this. Find your box, and don’t look for the boxes that other people are in-this is part of blame. The more you blame the less real control you have in a situation. You are essentially handing the problem over to the person you are blaming. Also try instead of focusing on what Pam is doing wrong, consider what Pam is doing right.
Some attitudes of getting out of the box: 1) Instead of trying to change others. See that the problem lies within myself. And even if that person changes, the problem will still be how I see them. 2) Recognize that coping with others, is essentially trying to change them. Again the problem lies in myself. 3) Leaving. I am simply taking my box with me. Many people simply leave bad situations, just to have them “re-create” at another time in their lives. Situations rarely change when someone leaves, of if they change, the change is temporary. 4) In communicating with someone, see them as people. Ask yourself ahead of time, how are you judging someone, and see if you can move beyond those judgments into ‘seeing” them as just another person trying to “get thru life as successfully as possible, just as you are.
