Asian Female Golfer Syndrome: Thoughts on the US Women’s Open

Sometimes I am compelled to watch things on television that aren’t interesting, things that aren’t even watchable (in reality); I watch TV that says things about the deep recesses of my psychological self that I am not ready to delve into. The Women’s US Open golf tournament is one of these things; it is one of these things because Asian female golfers fascinate me. At this moment, there are nine Asian female golfers in the top 20 and there are seven women with the last name of Kim contending for the title. And I haven’t even mentioned the sporting world’s latest, greatest phenom, the impossibly cute Michelle Wie.

Michelle Wie is intense. She is an intense competitor, she is an intense athlete, and she is a really fucking intense marketing machine; I might even call her a Marketing Brobdingnagian (if I were the type of person who used words like Brobdingnagian). Wie is less of a golfer and more of a sexual, corporate giraffe. She is so long and so hot; she has supermodel legs that carry a torso and face which say two things to the unassuming male populace of this sad, sad world: statutory and rape. She is the type of female sexpot who was born to be bought and sold by America. Nike, and whoever else snatched the rights to this untapped resource, hasn’t even scratched the service of the Wie ad campaign. Michelle Wie could get into any bar in the country; she looks at least 22 years old. I’ve stopped feeling bad about my feelings for the 16-year-old Wie and if this makes me a pervert than so be it. She makes me feel uneasy, like how Katie Holmes used to make me feel when she was on Dawson’s Creek. I am rooting for her to win the US Women’s Open and I am rooting for her hard (no pun intended, seriously).

But this article isn’t about Wie (although it’s all about Wie in a way); it’s about the Asian explosion in women’s golf. There has been a surge of male Asians to succeed in golf, especially on some of the other non-PGA tours, but nothing like what’s happening in the women’s game. They all seem to clones of Wie too, her minions if you will. Each one is an imperfect photocopy of the great leader Wie and they’re invading (or conquering) the sport with brute force. Seriously, this is like some science fiction shit. Every one of them looks like Wie (stereotype not intended), dresses like Wie and, at least financially, aspires to be exactly like Wie. There’s shorter ones, chubbier ones, older ones, and they’ve all come charging onto the scene out of nowhere led by the most famous 16 year old in all of sports. Their futures are so bright that they’re all wearing shades, just like Wie. In fact, saying that they dress like Wie is an understatement. Every single Asian female golfer is wearing a baseball hat, sunglasses, a shiny short sleeved and a skort. Three of these woman are within one shot of the lead. An Asian female one the US Women’s Open last year (the aptly named Birdie Kim) and it wouldn’t be a surprise if it happened again this year.

I realize that I’ve done little to nothing in explaining why this phenomena is happening. And for that I apologize (I guess). Don’t judge me because I find Michelle Wie attractive either, I just happen to have the moxie to admit what countless others only feel (shamefully).

Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to get back to watching the US Women’s Open and rooting for my girl WieâÂ?¦this article will come out way after the fact- let’s just hope that Michelle Wie is the winner because that will benefit me (in more ways than one).