Fast Food Refractory Periods
“UhâÂ?¦I dunno, man. I had White Castle, like, three weeks ago. I probably won’t want that ‘meat’ again until sometime next month.
“HahaâÂ?¦really? It’s like you have it down to a science.”
It was this conversation with a roommate that spawned the more thorough consideration of what I am now terming fast food refractory periods; that is, the amount of time which must elapse after eating a particular brand of fast food before one can willingly partake of that brand’s offerings again. The term “refractory period” has a number of official scientific definitions, but I am largely basing the idea of fast food refractory periods on the sexual arousal cycle. Just as we humans (men in particular) need a period of time after orgasm before we’re up for sex again, so too do we need a period of time after consuming, say, White Castle, before we can eat it again comfortably. Sexual refractory periods vary dramatically by person, and fast food refractory periods are probably much the same. However, it’s possible that there may be some general trends.
Based on my own fast food experiences, including prolonged exposure to major brands from childhood through college and beyond, I can confidently share these brand-specific thoughts/observations. Here are my fast food refractory periods, in order of longest to shortest.
White Castle – 56 days.
I don’t know whether the Harold or Kumar characters discussed fast food refractory periods in the stoner movie, but it doesn’t matter. White Castle may be “what you crave” according to advertisements, yet I’m putting the FFRP for a sack of sliders at once every two full moons.
Arby’s – 49 days.
While Arby’s sometimes sounds appealing, the memory of the most recent bad experience (which is the memory of the most recent experience, period) is strong enough to steer my stomach away. To quote Lisa Simpson, “I’m so hungry, I could eat at Arby’s.”
Long John Silver’s – 37 days.
Batter-dipped cod pieces and the yummy goodness of cornmeal hush puppies doused with malt vinegar! LJS always tastes great during the meal, yet within 15 minutes of wiping my hands with a moist towelette, I remember that this fast food screws around my stomach. On average, it takes me just over five weeks to forget the queasy feeling and order another “Fish-n-More” platter.
Subway – 31 days.
I have no idea how Jared (or anyone else) could eat at Subway on a daily basis. Despite the variety of meats and veggies available, the peculiarly foamy breads keep me away for at least a month at a time. And toasting does not shorter the fast food refractory periods, as creepy bread is creepy bread.
Wendy’s – 23 days for the regular food menu*
Their juicy square version of the classic American hamburger keeps me coming back on a regular basis. But factor in the fries (which are usually oversalted *or* almost anemic in appearance) and the unmistakable aftertaste of those crispy chicken nuggets, and Wendy’s slides in at over three weeks.
[*Wendy’s FFRP is reduced to 4 days in the case of Frosty-only consumption.]
Burger King – 15 days.
Most people who’ve eaten at Burger King know the burp/hiccup that allows you to re-taste your meal for as many as six hours afterward. The uncanny and undesirable lingering of the flame-broiled “flavor” accounts for the two-week refractory periods. Otherwise, it’s all about the O-rings.
McDonald’s – 11 days.
Perhaps due to the robust breakfast menu at McDonald’s (from which I often order a sausage biscuit meal), I can return to the golden arches more frequently than expected. It’s really the questionable burgers, the stale-ish buns, and the so-so fries that keep me away for longer.
Chick-fil-A – 6 days.
I can forgive them for the spokescows. The chicken sandwiches and waffle fries are so delectable that I could go back more than once a week for my fill(et).
Taco Bell – < 1 day.
Maybe it’s the variety available on the menu – the mix of “melty” – crunchy – cheesy – soft – spicy? Barely a full day passes after a chili cheese burrito, a chicken quesadilla, and a bean burrito before I could go for a Grilled Stuft, a soft taco, and a steak gordita. And then there’s the special Baja Mountain Dew that resembles generic Windex in color and odor but which I still can’t seem to resist. Of all the fast food refractory periods, Taco Bell is by far the shortest. Running for the border could, shamefully, become my daily workout.
Final note:
My geographical realities have prevented me from trying certain chains, like Jack in the Box. So, if you have experiences with this brand or others, or if you just want to share your own thoughts on fast food refractory periods, please add a comment to this article.
