Bigfoot’s Afoot!
Today, we are forced to realize that such a legendary creature exits. We are bombarded by eyewitness reports made by reliable, upstanding citizens who never drank until after seeing one of those things. A case in point is that of one Dr. Mandrake Q. Laggard, who before sighting a Bigfoot in his driveway, was once a noted surgeon and today is now living in the gutter on the corner or Main and Elm streets stopping up drainage as employment. Beyond these encounters comes startling photographic proof. True, the images are often blurred and out of focus, but so are my graduation pictures. Does that mean I didn’t graduate? I think not.
In an attempt to lure Bigfoot out of the woods to be better photographed, scientists have placed cameras and Shetland ponies throughout the wilderness. Other scientist state that this is a foolish idea and prefer to set Fotobooths up and leave change near the curtain. Of course some point to the more recent video tapings of the creature as proof, though Bigfoot failed to show when he won first place on America’s Funniest Home Videos.
I became interested in the stories of Bigfoot and with great luck was able to join an expedition bent on discovering the truth about Bigfoot. I joined Prof. Rupert L. Thackmore and his crew in Timber Lake, Oregon. From there we proceeded into the wilderness.
The first week of exploring yielded little. On the verge of boredom and fatigue, we then began hearing strange noises. These noises were not unlike the sound of two hedgehogs burping in rhythm. We knew it to be Bigfoot and we were on its trail. Within two days we had tracked him to a small clearing. We were then close enough to take a picture. Unfortunately, Bigfoot was close enough to eat our camera and did so. We lost him when he darted across a highway against traffic, causing considerable tie-ups and giving him a chance to overturn a big-rig and eat its CB handle. But we followed.
We knew we were on the right patch when we found animal droppings with a shutter cock in it. The trail led to a Holiday Inn. We quickly learned from the front desk that Bigfoot had been there but checked out the previous morning.
The clerk said Bigfoot left no forwarding address but he did eat two bellhops. We thanked the clerk and returned to the hunt. This episode is a typical example of how the local people readily accept this creature of the surrounding forest. To them Bigfoot is not an old legend. He is a regular client who tips well.
The trail next took us to the Seattle International Airport and Grill. Again, we lost him until we stumbled across some partially eaten luggage. We then had to force the ticket girl to tell us where Bigfoot went. It wasn’t until we threatened to fill her nostrils with cream cheese that she finally told us Bigfoot had boarded a champagne flight to Hawaii. The hunt was on again and we quickly boarded the movie flight to Hawaii. As we had not brought enough money to purchase the earphones, we read the actors’ lips.
Once in Hawaii we picked up the chase. Following a trail of half-eaten leis we discovered Bigfoot was in town to catch the Don Ho Show. He took in the show and took in Don Ho as well, eating him in a manner that the audience best described as “rude” and “sloppy.” The trail led to Honolulu Beach where Bigfoot and waded into the water and ate three surfers. After that, he had headed back to the airport.
Upon our arrival we found the travel agent to have been eaten. One of our group noticed all brochures to New York City were missing along with the subway guides. Moving on the lead while it was still hot, we boarded the movie flight to New York. The flight wasn’t as good, I never did care for “Gidget Goes Hawaiian,” so why would anyone want to do a remake of it? But that wasn’t the full reason. My mind was occupied by the possible meeting of Bigfoot face-to-face. Once in New York we felt we could capture him, unless he headed for the Empire State Building. Then things could get messy.
We arrived in New York and discovered he was seen headed for the 4 train where he ate a turnstile and boarded the subway. Next we followed him onto the 1 train to Van Cortlandt but at the Harlem River we decided against entering the Bronx. We had chased Bigfoot around the world with only cameras and recording equipment but we refused to go into the Bronx unarmed. Later, to our dismay, we learned that Bigfoot had been burned down and completely gutted by arsonists who wanted to collect the insurance on him.
A tragedy, yes. A lost to science, certainly. However, it was more than that. We tracked that mystery to man half way around the globe and everywhere we went we found one fact constant – that thing will eat anything he bloody well pleases.
