How to Drive Your Husband to a Heart Attack, Part II
III. Get a Cellular Telephone and use it until it falls apart
When God sent the angel to cast Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden the currently acceptable Christian dogma states that they were forever cursed with original sin and that Eve (and her descendents) would bear their children in pain and suffering. But, according to a revised translation of a fragment of item 23-9872A of the Dead Sea Scrolls, there was an error in the translation of the Book of Genesis. The original translation of Genesis 3:16-17, in the King James Version, reads
16. Unto the woman he [God] said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thy shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.
17. And unto Adam He said, Because thou has harkened to the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground fore thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;
The corrected translation is as follows:
16. Unto the woman He said I will greatly multiply thy ability to cause sorrow, even at a distance of many leagues, for I will give unto thee and each of thy children a cellular telephone, and thy desire shall be to torment thy husband and their father and to rule over him.
17. And unto Adam He said, Because thy has harkened to the voice of thy wife, thou shalt hear her voice every moment of every day of thy life, and the voice of thy children; cursed is the drive-through window for thy sake and you shall hear from them forever.
Armed with the above translation of the Holy Writ as a guide, let’s take a look at how that tool of Satan known as the “cell phone” can hasten hubby’s departure to his eternal whatever his life on Earth has earned for him for eternity.
The first and obviously most important thing to remember about cell phones is that you have to use them constantly if it they are to have any adverse effect on your husband’s mental health. Call your husband from your driveway to ask what he would like for dinner that night. Call him at work to ask what he’s doing at the moment. Call your children’s’ cell phones then have them call their father to ask permission for something that you’ve already given the green light. As you can see, the cell phone is one of the core techniques for sending hubby to the big keg party in the sky (or to the never-ending bar-b-que and tail gate party). This brings us to one of the best-known uses of the cell phone, “mood crushing.”
Due to genetically-based factors that have survived since the days when the male’s role in society was that of the hunter, the individual or group of individuals that were once responsible for finding game or other foods for the tribe; the modern male has a certain nomadic bent. This is manifested today for most husbands of reasonably sound mind and body to congregate at localities where they know that they can find food, potable drinking fluids, and a comfortable refuge in which to exchange news of the day’s activities. Men tend to call these places “bars,” “watering holes,” “sports bars,” gentlemen’s clubs,” or the more descriptive and accurate description of “tittie bar.”
In the remote past, it would be necessary for the wife to call each place her husband was known to frequent by placing one telephone call at a time; where she would invariably receive the standard reply “he ain’t here!”
But, thanks to the cell phone, wives may now phone their husbands every thirty seconds if they want to. No husband has ever been observed to have had a cell phone to his ear while consuming two glasses of beer in succession
IV. Continually Criticize the Fox News Channel
The Fox News Channel, in addition to being of a decidedly conservative philosophy, also features some of the more attractive on-air personalities. You should either complain about the women newscasters, what they say, or both if possible.
For example, let’s assume that the news features film footage of George Bush at his Texas Ranch. You should immediately complain about the fact that he owns a ranch where, as you will soon point out, there are probably cows that are being fed antibiotic and steroid-laced cow feed in order to fatten them up for a big cook-out for some freeloading Saudi prince or the president of some banana republic that happens to be sitting on top of a few billion barrels of oil.
Or you can do the opposite and complain about what they don’t show. If they feature an interview with someone like Cal Thomas, whine about the fact that they never interview Madonna to hear her views on nuclear disarmament or that they never feature Barbara Streisand’s opinions on income tax reform.
V. Continually Ask Questions to Which Your Husband Cannot
Possibly Know the Answers
This can be a very effective technique when used in conjunction with the Fox News Channel Strategy discussed above. All though there are literally thousands of possible combinations that may be employed to great effect, it will be advantageous to discuss only generalities and leave it to the reader to design their personal interrogation techniques. Let’s begin with “Why are they fighting?”
“Why are they fighting?” is a very useful question, particularly when asked repeatedly. “Why are the Jews and Arabs fighting?” “Why are the Serbs and the Croats fighting?” “Why are they fighting over the outcome of some silly soccer match?” If the answers to these questions have eluded generations of diplomats, philosophers, ministers, priests or other such mediators there is no way in Hell that your still-living, Joe Six-pack of a husband is going to know the answer either!
Another useful question is “Why aren’t there any good movies on cable television?” If the movies on the cable hadn’t already exhausted the box-office appeal they wouldn’t be on cable to begin with. And, with the rising popularity of DVD and high-definition television, you can bet that more movies will be produced exclusively for those media; movies that would never have been produced for theater distribution, will be hitting the market. This will work to your advantage in that you can also turn visits to Blockbuster Video into a round-trip complaining session on the subject of “Why aren’t there better moves on tape or on DVD?”
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This essay and its companion have been meant as a general introduction to various techniques that a prospective widow might use to hasten her rise to the widowhood. It is not meant to be all-inclusive, since there are as many potential variations of the techniques discussed above as there are potential users of those techniques. The key, once again for those that weren’t paying attention, is inconsistency. If you keep your husband confused and uncertain of your response to any given situation, you will eventually attain your goals.
