Why Pirates of the Caribbean Sucks and Johnny Depp Can’t Be Any Gayer Than Keith Richards

I watched a good chunk of the first “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie, or more specifically “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl”, and I have to say, I was not impressed. What confounded this lack of impressiveness were all the people who told me how awesome it was. “Dude,” they’d say, “you have to see ‘Pirates’, Johnny Depp is so hilarious.” And therein lies my biggest beef with the monolithic franchise that “Pirates of the Caribbean” has become: I didn’t think Johnny Depp was that funny, or great, or totally classic, or whatever other adjective the guy got stamped with. “He’s totally Keith Richards, only more gay,” I was told. First off, I don’t know what that means. Sure, I saw the comparison but who can do a gayer Keith Richards then, well, Keith Richards. The really strange thing is that I’m a huge Johnny Depp fan. I think he’s one of, if not the best, actor out there. He was great in such classic roles as Gilbert in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?”, Hunter S. Thompson in “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” and Officer Tom Hanson in “21 Jump Street”. But I just don’t get these stupid “Pirates” movies.

I was talking to my mother recently about the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise which, believe me, was strange enough, and moms was not afraid to speak her mind, making some good points in the process. “I don’t like pirates,” my mother, who also refuses to watch these movies, told me. “Who do they think are, going out on the water like that, stealing things and being bad? I think it’s ridiculous.”

This had me scratching my head. Did my mom think “Pirates of the Caribbean” was a documentary? Had she finally lost her mind? But then I got to thinking; perhaps my mom was on to something. The concept for the “Pirates of the Caribbean” films is a stupid one, and most people involved with the franchise, Mr. Depp included, have openly admitted this. It is after all, a movie based on a theme park ride (no news on whether or not “Space Mountain: Attack of the Black Hearted Martians” is due out anytime soon). Now, this isn’t to say that the “Pirates” trilogy (a third is filming now) were the first movies about, argh, pirates. I’m pretty sure pirate movies have been around for a long time. I think the classic film “Mutiny on the Bounty” was about pirates, it was at least about a ship and an ocean, and who could forget the Matthew Modine, Gina Davis classic “Cutthroat Island”.

However, by the 21st century, pirate nomenclature had kind of gone underground, thanks in part to anti-pirites like my mother. Until Johnny Depp signed on to make a movie with the guy who directed “The Ring”, it looked like the only place pirates were ever going to thrive were Pittsburgh and Disney World.

But now, the “Pirates of the Caribbean” are the biggest thing out there, bigger than Superman, Brad Pitt and Angelina combined. The cross promotions are everywhere, from a McDonald’s “Pirates” themed kids meals to Vagisil’s Jack Sparrow scented, anti-itch cream (I made one of those up, can you guess witch one?). It seems like I’m the only American who doesn’t appreciate the “Pirates of the Caribbean”. And that’s okay. When I was in high school I made a pact with three friends to never watch the movie “Titanic”. I’ve lost touch with those kids, but I for one have stayed true to my word. Sometimes it’s fun to completely ignore the most popular elements of our culture for no good reason whatsoever. I think more people should do this.

I also think “Ernest Saves Christmas” was the seventh best movie ever made. What?