Ethereal Labor Dispute Puts Jesus Christ at Back of Breadline, God’s Future Uncertain

LEVI’S TAVERN, Heaven – A surprising turn of events in the labor battle between God and the Merovingian Chapter of the Prophetic Workers’ Union has led to a series of layoffs leaving almost 500 million former employees homeless and out of work. The Union primarily represented prophets specifically ordained by God Himself who, due to an obscure loophole in Catholic Dogma, was able to skirt standing labor laws and strip the union of its license. Workers had been in an uproar prior to being laid off over the increasing demand for religious guidance on earth and at least four other planets, which eventually led to salary disputes. Worker complaints included God’s failure to compensate prophets for work-related travel and His deletion of the Crucifixion Clause that was once mandatory in all employee insurance policies. The clause specifically stated that any prophet knowingly crucified for dissemination of religious ideas on any planet would be resurrected on the third day after his/her death.

When asked about His decision to cut employee benefits, God replied, “We really don’t have the sort of capital to run around raising people from the dead. If you think about it, it’s not cost effective. I wouldn’t ask my employer to do it, and quite frankly, I’m a little disgusted with the lack of loyalty that seems inherent in my workforce. I hereby request the Prophetic Workers’ Union step down so that we can end this war of attrition. You try to find a god that gives his prophets legal rights to prostitutes and Jimson Weed, and I’ll [expletive deleted] a goat in the [expletive deleted].”

St. Peter took the bet, and we have no word yet as to the result.

Union President Jesus H. Christ, commonly mistaken for God’s son due to some striking featuristic similarities, was last seen waiting in line at the Benjamin City Welfare Office looking quite disheveled in a tattered shirt that read “Marijuana is life. The rest is just details.” He declined to comment on any specifics regarding his personal schism with God only to say, “I regret the outcome of this dispute, and so do 500 million other hardworking prophets to whom I must apologize for not representing to the fullest extent of my abilities.” Mr. Christ continued by harassing our photographer and asking for a dollar so that he could get a cup of coffee. When the photographer refused, Mr. Christ became unruly and was hauled away by the Ethereal Secret Police in handcuffs.

The implications of the labor dispute cannot be ignored and leave a gaping in God’s foreign policy. With nearly all of his prophets unemployed, God will be forced to find a new workforce willing to accept decreased benefits and cut wages. If He is unable to furnish prophets, the Gospel will not be spread and societies all over the universe will likely fall into heathenish disarray and Hedonism. God claims He is fully aware of the consequences of inaction, and, as a result, many economic experts predict He will eventually agree to the terms of a U.S. Senate bill that provides for the exportation of illegal immigrants to postmortem metaphysical planes under the condition that God brings victory for the United States in Iraq and an end to Islam. The Lord God Almighty has not yet commented with regards to this bill, but President Bush seemed optimistic when we caught up to him at Camp David saying, “He’s backed…” The president was unable to finish his comment because he was hard at work swatting lightning bugs with a tennis racket.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, and former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay were unavailable for comment, opting instead to poke fags with barbecue skewers and take pictures of dead fetuses to use at an upcoming abortion clinic bombing.

There is no doubt that the future looks uncertain for God and his chief minion, the Holy Spirit, and no one is quite sure of what to expect in the coming month or so. Without a viable workforce, God will be unable to maintain his status as the second most respected deity and the highest-grossing false idol since Zeus, which makes his agreement with the United States all the more likely to come within the next few weeks.

No other deities would speak with us about this particular labor dispute except for Allah who said something in a language we failed to understand and shrugged off as unintelligible blather. When asked to pose for a picture, he refused.