Weird Laws: Illegal Sex With the Lights On, AOL’s Gold Mine, & a Judge-Ordered Game of Rock, Paper, Scissors

People complain about our legal system. They say it’s unfair, unjust or just not effective. However, I would say that it’s simply weird, effective, a bit slow at times, but pretty weird. It’s full of characters, decisions and procedures that make it quite unique. Our legal system is one that has served for more than 2 centuries and will continue to serve for many in the future, but at its foundation can often be found some weird laws. I’ve decided to address a weird law or at least a law that is a bit off the wall each week before I point out and talk about some of the more weird legal events of the week.

For instance, a weird law out of the state of Virginia could potentially put the police in an interesting, if not entertaining position should enforcement ever be considered. Specifically, Virginia Code 18.2 344 states, “Any person, not being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any other person, shall be guilty of fornication, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.”

This weird law raises all kinds of issues, some good, and some bad. Parents should feel secure in sending their teenagers out since this conduct is prohibited. After all, teenagers never break laws, even if it is a weird law. Of course, if you see a police officer peering in a bedroom window late at night, then we may know what he is after. I can hear it now, “Just doing my job, Sir!” Then again, I don’t really thing that there are too many people being charged with this violating this weird law; however, just think about the possibilities for income via fines for the state of Virginia if this law was enforced. Wow! Talk about a windfall. However, before you get too worried, this weird law has been addressed in the Virginia courts and it appears that people may be safe in their interpersonal escapades. Though the law was on the books for more than 160 years and was only recently changed.

However, you may still want to be careful in the event any police haven’t heard that things have changed.

If you think that illegal unmarried sex is a weird law, just because you get married in Virginia doesn’t mean you are off the hook when it comes to sex. It seems that Virginia and weird laws concerning sex are no strangers. Virginia has even had a law that made it illegal, even if married, to engage in sex with the lights one. And I thought Virginia was for lovers. This weird law even criminalized any approach to intercourse other than the missionary position. And here I was thinking that Virginia was a fairly progressive state. Maybe this is why so many married Virginia couples vacation out of state. We can only hope that this bizarre law has been cleared up by the Virginia courts or the legislature, but you still may want to consult with an attorney before visiting the state, that is if you plan on keeping the lights on.

So, while there are plenty of weird laws out there, I am learning that bizarre conduct by the police, lawyers, judges and those that make up our judicial system sometimes is often more strange than the weird laws that our elected official around the country see fit to enact.

For instance out of Nebraska this week, we find the story of Kevin Holder. Mr. Holder is what would qualify as a career criminal. Last week the police in Lincoln, Nebraska arrested Mr. Holder for having burglar tools in his possession. After charging Mr. Holder with this crime, the local prosecutor has said that he will urge the judge to treat Mr. Holder as a habitual criminal. Hopefully the judge will take this to heart as this is Mr. Holder’s 226th arrest. The man has more mug shots on record than most professional models have in their portfolio. Mr. Holder’s rap sheet even runs 43 pages! Talk about a criminal taking his profession seriously. Either that or he could just be a really bad thief. While the majority of his arrests have been for misdemeanors, he has done several years in prison where he undoubtedly worked on his criminal skills – not very well it would appear. However, it seems career criminals in the Lincoln-Lancaster area are quite abundant. Seems Mr. Holder has a long way to go before he breaks the record for career arrests in the area. Currently he is number 40 on the list all time list. The leader, who is out of action, having died in 2004, had 652 arrests over his career. Nothing like taking your job seriously, but we can all root for Mr. Holder in his quest.

Now we turn our attention to corporate . America Online hopes to discover a gold mine. Literally. The background on this weird legal tale is quite amusing. AOL sued a spammer in U.S. District Court in Virginia for spamming AOL account holders through their service. The suit alleged violations of numerous state and federal anti-spam laws and, to no one’s surprise, the Defendant decided not to show up in Court. As an aside, if a Defendant doesn’t appear in Court for a trial, it’s pretty hard for the Plaintiff, AOL in this case, to lose. So, AOL wins their suit in what is called a default judgment. Another aside – not only did the Defendant not show up, but he also failed to even acknowledge the suit after he received notice of it. So, AOL received a damages award from the Court where the Defendant was ordered to pay AOL $12.8 million in damages. However, no one knows where the Defendant is. So, not to be left holding a worthless judgment, AOL asked for and received permission to dig up the property of the Defendant’s parents to look for buried gold and platinum. Now, before you laugh at this, it seems there is a rational basis for this expedition. During the Defendant’s time as a spammer he was earning hundred’s of thousands of dollars a month through his efforts. His parents, who plan to oppose the dig on their property, have even said that their son, who they haven’t seen in many months, told them that he purchased large amounts of precious metal since it would be more difficult to seize or recover in a lawsuit. AOL plans to bring bulldozers and an archeological team to hunt for the treasure; however the Defendant’s parents say the gold is actually buried elsewhere. AOL, corporate icon and part-time treasure hunters. Seems like we can expand the definition of the term gold digger!

Finally, out of Florida we have a judicial opinion that is tailor made for inclusion in a column dealing with weird laws. It seems that the opposing sides in a case pending in the United States District Court for the Middle District of Florida were unable to agree on virtually nothing. When it came time to take the deposition of a particular witness, the sides couldn’t agree on the location for the deposition. The Judge heard arguments from the attorneys and then crafted a masterful approach to resolving the problem. Two attorneys, one from each side, accompanied by a paralegal, were ordered to meet at a certain date and time on the steps of the Federal Courthouse. There, the attorneys were ordered to engage in a game of “rock, paper, scissors.” The winner was given the right to select the location for the deposition. And people say that judges are out of touch with reality. I have long said that if everyone would just use “rock, paper, scissors” to resolve their differences the world would be a better place!

Thanks for stopping by! Stop by again next week for another dose of the best in weird laws, bizarre legal news and other strange updates from our judicial system.