Coping with Blending Families

When my husband and I got married, we each had two children from previous marriages. Things were a bit rocky up front. His children are older than mine, so they weren’t willing to accept me and my two much younger children “invading” their space. Before long, I was pregnant, and we had to find a way to come together as a family. I won’t say it was easy, but it had to be done. Whether any of the children liked it or not, we were going to be a family. We sat the children down prior to the marriage, and explained exactly what was going to happen. Everyone seemed okay with that, until the reality set in. It’s one thing to try to prepare children for up-coming nuptuals, but quite another to expect it to go smoothly, and without bumps in the road.

When dealing with children, you must think like one. Put yourself in their place. How would you have felt in the same situation? If you ever were in that situation, then recall what your feelings and concerns were. Never underestimate a child and his or her ability to grasp even a complex situation. Children are far brighter than we give them credit for being. Focus on the good points of blending the two families. It’s best not to sugar-coat and assure them that all will be lovely with the world once the wedding is over. Let the children know we will all be adjusting together, they aren’t alone.

I adopted an “open door” method for concerns, or issues early on. That way no one feels that they have to keep their feelings bottled up. This open door policy is much like one used in the workplace. No one will be punished for expressing concerns, hurts, or anger. Once the problem is laid out on the table, then we sit down and discuss how to remedy the situation. Usually, the fix is simple, but other times it’s not so easy. With blended families, especially if there are several children involved, privacy issues are frequent.

As the children get older, they tend to resolve things on their own. The important thing is that as parents, you are the counselors, the referees, and the emotional support. Always let them know that you are their safety net, and their voice of reason. We have five children under the same roof, and even though there are squabbles, most of the time the kids work out whatever problems have come to be, without my help. They do know, that I am always there to lend an ear or a shoulder to cry on.

At times, though, the kids will try to pit my husband and I against each other. Rarely does it work. We see the signs and stick together as a couple. The children are just that – children – and parents should always stick together in front of them. If my husband and I disagree on a punishment, or a decision concerning the children, we take that discussion to another room, or outside. The reason is because then the “mom-against-dad” game doesn’t work. The bottom line is: No matter how wrong I feel that my husband is, he is always right when the children are present.

Shared family time is important with any family. It’s important that all members of the family have at least one designated night together to eat dinner, watch a movie, or play games. Not only does family time allow members of the family to learn more about each other, but it also allows for a much needed break in the adjusting periods for newly blended families. Instead of just eating a hum-drum dinner – try for something that involves everyone. Build subs or pizzas together. Both are economical to make, and everyone finally gets what they want for a change.

Don’t forget to enjoy your new family, and not to focus so much on the negative aspects. In time, things will get better. If things don’t improve after the first year or so, take action to keep the family and marriage together. Call local counseling professionals. Most states even have a listing of recommended family counselors that are reasonable in price at the Department of Health and Human Services. Family is important, and it’s worth working on – together.