Flavor of Love 2: Review of the Season Premier

If there’s one reality show that needs a little weekly, socio-cultural analysis, then it’s the Flavor Flav vehicle: Flavor of Love 2. This past Sunday, August 6th, was the hour and a half season premier and it was as spectacularly majestic as I could have ever hoped it would be. I took notes, I felt like a real journalist or a critic or something, but mainly I felt like a hardcore fan. Since this was the first episode of the new season, I think the best thing for me to do is walk you through the standouts of the new castâÂ?¦

SAAPHYRI

This crazy bitch became the first ever Flavor of Love contestant to get kicked off the show before the first clock ceremony. By pushing H-Town into a wall and beating the shit out of her, Saaphyri earned a one-way ticket out of the mansion. She actually had to be carried out of the house by Big Rick, what a great way to start the second season.

EYEZ

In a new twist, it was revealed that this character was not even a character at all, but rather Flavor Flav’s personal informant. She talked to a lot of the bitches and then reported to Flav, and while Flav seemed confused by what she was saying, he basically kicked off the four girls that Eyez didn’t like.

TOASTEE

Toastee is hilarious. Flavor named her Toastee because she was so fucking toasted. She was double fisting what looked like champagne and a vodka drink as soon as she got to the bar. She talked in non-sequiturs and generally flopped around like a lush. She was awesome.

NIBBLZ

This girl was kind of scary. She was extremely sexual, bragging about lesbianism and taking body shots of the other girls, and all that good shit. Her name origin is really funny though. Flavor Flav wanted to call her Tyson because she sounds exactly like Mike Tyson, but she convinced him to call her Nibblz, as in “Mike Tyson nibbles on Evander Holyfield’s ear.” How creepy is that?

BUCKEE

Buckee was awarded the first clock at the ceremony and it seems that Flavor Flav is real high on this super-voluptuous beauty. She’s overtly sexual too, although she’s “not down with no lesbian shit,” as she exclaimed at least a hundred times during the inaugural episode.

LIKE DAT

Like Dat is fucking huge. She makes Hottie from Flavor of Love 1 look like Spunkee from Flavor of Love 2. And yes, you’d have to be a complete reality TV nerd to get that reference. Like Dat’s mad fat is what I’m trying to saying.

TIGER

Tiger is by far the most attractive of the contestants. She is 24-year-old Caucasian with looks that say “Glamour magazine model” and not “Flavor Flav gutter skank.” Flav seems to realize this and I think he digs it. I’m real curious to see how far she’ll go.

BUCKWILD

My favorite of all the women on the program is Buckwild. Along with Wire, Buckwild is one of two white chicks with ridiculously large gaps in their front teeth. It would have been funny if they had selected one of these girls to be on the show, but that the fact there’s two of them is downright, keen-slapping hilarity. Buckwild looks Jewish but she talks so black, she’s also got huge boobs.

SOMETHIN

Oh Somethin. Somethin provided the ultimate moment from the season premier and I swear to God I am not exaggerating this. Somethin shit her pants right as Flavor was doing the clock ceremony, champagne toast. What’s worse is that she was wearing a dress and hardly any underwear, so the poop got splattered all over the floor and on the stairs. I could not make this shit up if I tried. Her explanation was that it came on suddenly and just pushed itself out. Hmmm. The most disgusting thing was that Flavor Flav seemed to like her more because of this “outburst.” Truly disgusting stuff, I loved every second of it.

A FEW WORDS ABOUT THE DEPARTED

Along with Saaphyri and I guess Eyez, four other lovely ladies departed the show, leaving just 14 to compete for Flav’s love the rest of the season. These chicks wereâÂ?¦

H-TOWN, the other girl involved in the show’s opening brawl. She was cute but admitted to Eyez that, no matter what, she would probably never fuck Flavor Flav.

CHOCLATE, too nondescript.

BAMMA, too shy.

And HOOD, too religious.

Can’t wait for next week.