There’s a Party Downtown: The Sexual Revolution is Here, PART IV
DISCLAIMER: This article may contain sexually explicit material and may not be suitable for anyone under the age of 18 (or anyone at all for that matter). The following is a guide describing ways for consenting adults to improve their sex lives. Reader discretion is advised.
Fellatio and cunnilinus: scary words indeed. I’m here to bunk some truth and de-rumor their connotations. Welcome, to the fourth installment of My Scintillating Guide to Safe and Super Sex. In this episode I’d like to talk about oral sex.
Ever since the public landslide that was the Monica Lewinsky-President Clinton scandal, the topic of oral sex has become more taboo than ever (or vice versa, depending on how you look at it). I think it was the great Oprah Winfrey, or perhaps it was Pope John Paul the Second, or it could have very well been Cowboy Jon from Real World II, or a combination of all the three, who said, “oral sex is sex.”
Let’s look at that statement: ORAL SEX IS SEX. Is that true? Is that accurate? Is it a matter of semantics? Does it matter at all? There are two types of oral sex, the brilliantly, dirty-worded cunnilingus and the Italian opera sounding fellatio. Cunnilingus describes the sexual act of a man performing on a woman’s vagina with his mouth and tongue, slang terms for this include: eating out, pussy licking, carpet munching, suckling the bearded clam, etc. The opposite of this act is fellatio; this is when a woman “goes down” on a man to suck his penis, slang includes: head, blowjob, face fucking, Chuck Knoblauch, etc.
I don’t know if oral sex is sex, but it is undeniably sexual. Deciding whether or not it actually constitutes sex is kind of like watching the movie Syriana: it’s pointless and long and it will give you a headache. Plus, that’s not what I came here to talk about. I want to offer three sure-fire ways that a man can get his lady to give him the oral pleasures more often. Here goes:
1. PERFROM CUNNILINGUS
Whatever you do, don’t say to your girlfriend or wife, “can I perform cunnilingus.” This could prove to be a confusing and/or awkward moment in your life. Just quietly lick that cute little box when the time is right. When you’re sure that she’s had her giggles then sit back and relax, and enjoy the show (Hint for the ladies: eye contact during blowjobs is a great porn star move that your man is sure to appreciate).
2. BUY HER SOMETHING NICE
This isn’t really a subtle way to go about things, but if your chick is a superficial bitch you might want to try this. Simply buy her something really expensive, something that you’re sure she’ll like and then say, “Hey, you like that? You do, good. Now please, for the love of God, can you give me some head?” If she refuses then she is not only a superficial bitch, but a cold-hearted, superficial bitch: the worst kind of superficial bitch. Punch her in the face and throw her out of your house.
3. THREATEN TO LEAVE HER
If you’ve got a really insecure girlfriend, then you might want to try this method. Tell her that the sex has been sucking and that the relationship is over unless you start getting some oral pleasure. If you’re lucky she might start to cry as she kneels down to grab your cock. There’s nothing better in this cold world than a tearful blowjob; this much I know is true.
Good luck (NOTE: Only the first one on this list is something you should ever try; in fact, #2 and #3 are probably illegal in most states).
Remember, safe sex can be super so long as it’s scintillating. See you next time!
