Parenting: Getting Your Children to Listen to You
The first thing to do when you have the problem of a child not listening is to think about the reasons why the child is not listening. Do you have a history of giving in? A child who is given in to will be less likely to do as asked and more likely to throw a tantrum in hopes of your giving in to him. Parental giving in is the MAIN cause of children not listening. Here’s an example of how and why it is…
Say it’s Monday and you have asked your child to pick up his bedroom. Your child goes to his room and comes back to you two minutes later saying he doesn’t want to, and then refuses to do the task you have presented. You ask him to please go clean his room and he says something like “No, why should I, it’s not that messy…”. You tell him again. He bursts into tantrum and refuses. You say FINE, CLEAN IT LATER. Your child’s tantrum stops and the problem appears solved.
Now say it’s Tuesday, later has arrived. You remind your child that they were supposed to clean their room later, and it’s later. You ask your child to go tidy his room up and he says “Do I have to? Can’t I do it later.” You say “No, now…” Your child bursts into tantrum…
What you child has learned from you is that when you say it’s time to clean his room he can argue and throw a fit and then he won’t have to clean his room until later. You gave in to his fit. He won. You, the parent, lost.
Here’s how you, the parent can WIN. In this case winning is referring to getting your child to listen and follow through with directions when they are given, without protest or complaint.
Okay, say it’s Monday. It’s time for your child to clean up his room. You ask your child to please go clean their room. Your child says “DO I have to? Can’t I do it later?” You simply but firmly deny and ask him to please go clean his room. You child goes off to his room and comes back two minutes later complaining and refusing. You tell your child you have asked him to clean his room and wish for it to be done NOW. Your child tries and tries to get out of it but you stick right to it and do not give in to any of his remarks of behaviors. You remain calm. If you have to ask more than three to five times you warn that there will be a consequence of timeout of whatever for your child if he does not comply. That is usually when the tantrum ends and the child listens. He knows your talking business when he realizes that there will be a consequence for him refusing to do as you have asked. He goes and cleans his room.
Now, let’s jump to Wednesday. It’s time once again for your child to clean up his room. You ask your child once and he goes right to his room and begins to clean. He comes to you once or twice trying to get out of it but with your firm request he finishes the job knowing that you meant business on Monday and do today as well.
Now let’s jump to Friday. It’s time once again for your child to pick up his room. You ask once and your child just goes and does it. He knows a fit or trying to get out of it won’t work. He tried on Monday and you didn’t give in. He tried again on Tuesday and you were firm. He’s not going to bother trying something that doesn’t work.
Do you see how this works? When you give in, you allow your child to get their own way. They will not forget this, and you better believe they will notice. They will also notice when their talking back or tantrums don’t work. A child will not throw a tantrum if they don’t think it’ll get them what they want. Children throw tantrums to get their own way. Then they don’t have to listen, so they think. When parents are consistent and do not give in their children will realize that they need to listen. They will listen much better, and much more consistently. The main reason children refuse to listen is because their parents give in to them.
