Japan’s New Royal Son Will Have a Mustache that Rivals the New York Yankees And, More Importantly, His Own Father, Prince Akishino

This is an incredible article; I’m really excited about it. Don’t let that cryptically ridiculous title fool you; please, loyal reader, let me explain. This is an important article because I’m trying something completely different (some have said that I’m the pioneer of adventurous authors at associatedcontent.com, but I don’t like to brag). I have combined a worldwide, ultra-searchable topic (Princess Kiko and the first Japanese heir in the last 40 years) with a topic that is close to my heart, but also just as searchable (the Yankees). Sprinkle in a little absurdity (the mustache aspect) disguised as the central theme and I’ve just created a new kind of journalism. And I’m pretty happy about this.

Let’s begin.

Prince Akishino, the glorious, mustachioed King in waiting and his beautiful, hairless wife, the luscious Princess Kiko have indeed given birth to a nameless baby boy. They haven’t announced a name yet because they are stupid royals and a task that difficult could take them months. This is huge international news, even if it was only a flash in the pan story here in America. This baby, and more importantly the fact that it was male, means so much to the great people of Japan. If you haven’t heard, Japan as a country is having major fertility issue. I’m sure you’ve heard of the so-called “graying of Japan” (go on, google if you must). The birthrate in the red dot country is at an all-time low. This is a huge problem, fore without a population not a good country makes.

The hope of the Japanese government is that this baby, Princess Kiko’s gift of gifts, will spur the general populous to start having dirty, dirty sex. Okay, the sex doesn’t have to be dirty but it has to be had. Perhaps, they should outlaw condoms, but the downside of a move like that is way too treacherous (thanks a lot, AIDS monkey). This baby could be the last hope for the Japanese Civilization. I am not exaggerating this at all.

Let’s look at this situation from a different angle. What else could be hindering Joe Citizen of Japan from mating it up? Here is my theory: The real problem lies under the nose of none other than Prince Akishino himself. Yes, I am talking about his strange grey mustache. Is it so farfetched to contend that Akishino’s weird mustache is so gross and disgusting that it has turned off an entire population of potential female sex kittens? Come on people, its all right here. And this is how I know itâÂ?¦

My girlfriend is a very smart lady; in fact, I don’t talk about her enough in these articles. We like to watch the New York Yankees together and, if you’ve noticed, a lot of the Yankees have been growing mustaches. “Wow, this is awesome,” I said. “Johnny Damon, Jason Giambi, Craig Wilson, Sal FasanoâÂ?¦they all have mustaches!” I told this to my girlfriend.

“What,” she exclaimed. “That’s horrible. Mustaches are hideous.”
“But they’re funny, right?” I asked.
“No, not at all,” she replied. “There is no comedic value to a mustache; they are horrible and gross, and any man who grows one should be shot on site.”

Okay, she didn’t say that, not verbatim anyway, but you get the point. Chicks, at least chicks born after 1971, hate mustaches. For some reason they have no problem with goatees, but that’s another story all together.

So here’s what I’ve deducedâÂ?¦ If the country of Japan, as we know it, crumbles and dies, there is only one man to blame: Sal Fasano, backup catcher of the New York Yankees.

Fasano was picked up in a trade from the Philadelphia Phillies earlier this year and, at the time, not a single Yankee had a mustache. But mustaches are Fasano’s thing; they’re his trademark. He’s not that good (he’s a backup catcher for chrissake) so the guy had to do something to distinguish himself. Enter: The Mustache. And then, almost out of thin air, a lot of the other Yankees started to grow mustaches too and, in case you didn’t know, there is only one reason why any non-pedophile would grow a mustache; in two words: comedic value.

And here’s the kickerâÂ?¦

The REAL reason that the Japanese Civilization is destined to fall (Sal Fasano was just a metaphoric reason) is that women can’t grasp the comedic value of a mustache. And since the unnamed future King of their country is destined to have a mustache that will rival almost all of the New York Yankees and, more importantly, his own father, Prince AkishinoâÂ?¦(breath)âÂ?¦the female consensus in Japan has collectively said this to their male counterparts: mustaches aren’t funny and if the entire male faction of our royal family is growing them, then what’s the point of sleeping with any man (because he’s probably going to grow a mustache one day anyway).