The One-Minute Monologue: For Actors and Actresses of All Ages

Alright, this is my monologue. The script actually says these words I’m saying right now. And I’m not making this up. One minute monologue. Do directors actually know how hard it is to find a one minute monologue? I swear, I’m not making this up as I go along. I found it on the internet. I can even tell you where. You’ve just got to believe me! {suddenly downcast} You don’t believe me. You think I’m not prepared and that I’m just saying whatever comes to mind. Now I’m really not going to get this part. I knew I should’ve done “The Actor’s Nightmare.” At least you’d know it was a real monologue. {Pace the floor.} Umm, what can I do? What can I do? I really want this part… {Start singing a la Michigan J Frog of Looney Toons fame} “Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal…” {slump down} I knew that was a stupid idea! Hell, this isn’t even a musical! {break away} You see, that’s where this monologue goes wrong. So what if this *was* a musical I’m auditioning for? That line wouldn’t work! I’d be standing here, looking stupid… {self-consciously} like… I… am… now… {yelling} What do you want from me?! {calmly} There, that feels better. But still, I knew I should’ve picked a different monologue. I mean, seriously… What kind of person writes this stuff, anyway? And then actually puts it out there for other people to use? At really important auditions! God, I really need a drink. Not that I’m an alcoholic or anything, ’cause I’m not! Oh, this just isn’t going right at all. I should just leave and accept the inevitable. I know my way out. It’s “Don’t call us, we’ll call you,” right? And just like that, you’ll cast someone who did a better monologue than this. Dammit! Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Director, sir [or Ms Director, ma’am] … I guess I’ll be going now. Bye.