Mothers Vs. Daughters: How You Can Gain Control of Your Teen Without Losing the Relationship
Moms don’t like to know the sad truth about what their children are getting into. It’s despicable to know that girls as young as 12 are having sex and doing drugs. Some want to ignore it, others want protect their children but don’t know how.
The single most important tip I can give you moms is to have a relationship with your daughter. If she wants to go shopping, out to lunch, to a movie, or even to the gym with you, GO! The fact that she still wants to spend time with you is a gift that not all mothers have. If you are a busy working mom, make time. Check your priorities and make an effort to build on your relationship with your daughter. The more you build, the more she will talk and the more input you will have on her decisions.
I don’t remember the good times I spent one on one with my mom, but I sure remember every time she told me she would take me shopping and then cancel on me. There is no easier way to get your daughter to isolate herself from you then by letting her down. You could let her down by canceling a date with her, or by waving her away when you’re on the phone and she has a question.
Girls talk to their friends about boys, sex, drugs, and alcohol. You can be both a mom and a friend. Some don’t agree. I’ll tell you how you can be both. A friend, especially when they are young, is probably going through the same life changes as your daughter and so they are good to confide in, but not good to get the answers to questions like, “Should I have sex with him?,” “Should I sneak out and go to a party to meet him?,” “Should I drink?.” In fact the friend will probably say yes to all these questions, not because they are a bad influence, but because they don’t know either. You can be a friend to your daughter by not yelling at her or judging her if she does come to you with questions. Share your experiences when you were her age with her, and seriously if you were an angel, make something up. She will be able to understand better if she can connect her life with yours. Tell her the bad things that can happen to a young girl in today’s world. Tell her about the STD’s you or your friends have gotten from having unprotected sex. I’m not saying scare her into not having sex, but by sheltering her from life’s realities you will end up hurting her. If she thinks she really “loves” her boyfriend, don’t tell her she is too young to know what love is, talk to her about it, act like one of her giddy school friends, this will make her come to you with questions, and then you will have better control over the answers. Mother’s need to remember how they felt when they were young. How you felt when you had your first boyfriend, your first beer, your first decision to make about sneaking out, and sympathize with your daughter. She is not a bad kid for wanting to have sex, drink a beer, and so on, she just wants to fit in, and she doesn’t know any better because she hasn’t had anyone with the knowledge and experience to learn from.
The problem most of moms face when dealing with a troubled teen is no matter how hard they try, their daughters don’t want to spend anytime with them, much less confide in them. Don’t give up! She wants a relationship with you, she just doesn’t know how to establish one without you judging her. I remember thinking, if I ask my mom about sex, she will just think that I’m a slut and probably ground me to make sure I don’t have it. Don’t judge your daughters, they have your genes remember. Here’s a tip that I’m sure would have worked for me when I was a crazy teen, take her shopping! This is sneaky, but take her to a place like Victoria Secret’s, if she is picking out sexy underwear she is either thinking about having sex or is having it. Don’t flip out but use it as an opportunity to discuss sex, and please moms, don’t make it an uncomfortable conversation. Here’s a way you can avoid making it uncomfortable, pretend your daughter is your age, this way you will make her feel like an adult and you won’t feel so awkward.
Now for my last tip. You understand the importance of being your daughter’s friend. Now here are the secrets to being a mom. Know all passages through the house where she can sneak out. I climbed into a two story window one time to avoid being caught. Set little traps, but let her know that you know what she is capable of. Tell her that in case of burglars you have an alarm system with a secret code that will go off whenever someone leaves or enters the house at night. She will think twice before sneaking out now. Also if she wants to spend the night at a friends house repeatedly and never wants to have the friend over your house, she is probably sneaking out from there. Make sure you know her friend and the parents, and are comfortable with them watching your daughter.
The most important thing to remember when raising an out of control teen is that they want someone to watch out for them and protect them from stupid decisions, they just don’t know it yet, so keep trying and for god sake’s take them shopping if you want a relationship with them.
