Madonna in Space: The Most Confusing News of the Month?

Madonna is losing her touch. How long has it been since her pointy tit bra or her faux-lesbian, pop star kisses, or ever her “Hey, look I’m hanging on a cross” act; oh wait, the cross act is a gag on her current tour. But anyway, to say that the cross act holds a candle to the tittie bra or the “Like a Prayer” video is like saying that her cover of “American Pie” wasn’t totally blasphemous. In other words, Madonna is losing it. And I’m not even sure what IT is (or was for that matter).

And perhaps Madonna knows this. Maybe that’s why we’re entering the age of Astral Madonna. That’s right, Madonna is heading to the International Space Station on a Russian rocket ship. WaitâÂ?¦what?

I read a ton of articles on this story. I scoured the webs for the better part of fifteen minutes, in search of one thing: understanding. I wanted to know why Madonna, an aging, creepily muscular pop singer with a fake British accent would want to fly into space on some shoddy plane with a couple of drunken ruskie cosmonauts. Did this make sense to anyone?

Well, perhaps predictably so, I learned nothing from Google. I typed in my search and the unforgiving Gods of Google gave me nothing. So, how was I supposed to cover a story about Madonna in space without any good information? It wasn’t that the search came up empty; no, in fact it was the opposite. I found plenty of material on the topic, but it was all so convoluted; I didn’t grasp a thing. It was like a few silly bloggers tried to get a fake news story rolling, and then it turned into the greatest game of hyper-intelligence internet telephone ever, with 900,000 different versions of the “story” leaking out.

Did Madonna want to go into space or did the Russian government start this as a publicity stunt for its space program? Maybe it was just a rogue member of Russia’s parliament or a PR mix-up on Madonna’s side? Maybe Madonna was misquoted in a ruskie newspaper while she was on tour? Perhaps she has a psychotic fan in Moscow, equally obsessed with the stars and THE star, who conjured this schema from a dream? Perhaps. Maybe.

In the end, the real losers here are you and I. Honest, hardworking people who see news blips on CNN: Headline News about Madonna in space and just want to be able to Google without getting a butt load of conflicting stories under an already dubious pretext. Who knows, it’s quite possible that this is the age of Astral Madonna. And I hope it is. Madonna needs to do something to get her career going right again. If divorcing Guy Ritchie isn’t the answer, who’s to say that flying to the International Space Station as an honorary cosmonaut isn’t either?