Mostly About Michelle
Nothing but memories survive
the night I betrayed my best friend,
kissing his girlfriend in front of her house
grasping my hand, she led me up to her room
my mind about to collapse as I took off her top
on the same bed, he’d taken her virginity
at least, that’s what I believed, fumbling with the clasps of her bra
I’d learn the truth, the next day, while making out with her in my room;
it took twenty minutes and two attempts for him to find the courage
to place his first pack of condoms on the mini-mart counter
she had to lie on the bench-seat of his father’s old truck,
waiting a few slightly painful minutes, before he got off and drove her home
entering her room alone that night, she wondered why he’d left her at the curb,
I stood upon, a year later, about to follow her in,
even though I knew
she’d break down on our first date, crying hysterically in my car
because she still loved my best friend, who would never take her back
but I didn’t care, I was tired of just loving her
tired of pretending she didn’t know
after what happened when we got smashed at Dave’s,
raiding his parents’ liquor cabinet, but not wanting to leave any evidence,
we left the glasses alone, opting to chug whiskey and vodka directly from the bottles
blissfully unaware of the self-destructive impulse pushing me toward
an inevitable black out, which they had to hide from my dad,
who somehow managed to track me down
I could hear him yelling at the dark house
when I wasn’t throwing up into a trashcan
the alcohol I’d downed was slow to take effect,
giving me just enough time to flirt with my best friend’s girl
the two of us on the floor in front of him, tumbling on top of each other, drunk
he tried to separate us, but I kept fighting him off
Dave just laughed, unable to know we’d turn on him
in three months, she would complain to her boyfriend
about the unwanted advances
neither of us had noticed
Dave was gone, and with my best friend working all summer,
I had her all to myself,
everyday she ditched summer school,
which quickly became everyday
until three months later, we’re in her room, my hands inside of hers
as she tenderly lets them down, and starts to undo the bra herself
only to be interrupted by the sound of her mom
unlocking the front door of their small home
the bra falls, exposing her breasts for a moment
before she grabs the closet t-shirt and rushes to meet her,
leaving me alone with the impossibility of the night
I betrayed my best friend,
but that didn’t seem to matter anymore,
because I had her
beautiful and rebellious, bright and a little insecure
I wanted her so bad
I thought I’d lose it right there
on the floor of her bedroom, waiting for her to return
looking into my eyes when I left,
she promised to break up with him tomorrow
not knowing what to say, I reached out and kissed her,
running my hand through her jet-black hair
she went limp in my arms
as the endorphins bombarding my brain
dissolved the floor beneath my feet
the only thing I could feel was her
and for a second, I forgot
we were sixteen
and about to destroy everything.
