A Closer Look at Runaway Brides and Wedding Anxiety
Research indicated that over 40% of brides have wedding anxiety. Some think it could perhaps be higher. Dick Kenjorski of the North American Association of Chiefs of Police reports, “We’ve been getting cold feet reports from Maine to California. In every case the bride-to-be said she was going out for a walk, or down to the video store, or over to the tanning salon– but she never came back.”
Rachel Safier, author of There Goes the Bride: Making up Your Mind, Calling it off, & Moving On, came up with the idea of her book based on her own experience. She called off her June 2001 wedding just two weeks before the ceremony. The stereotype is of a woman being jilted at the altar by her groom, but in reality, it is women who most often break off relationships.
What causes “cold feet”?
The term “cold feet” originally meant “without means or resources”. In Ben Jonson’s play “Volpone” in 1605, it literally meant a person who was too poor to buy shoes. Then in Fritz Reuter’s novel in 1862, a character backed out of a card game because of “cold feet” and the term evolved. It is now defined as “anxiety and uncertainty about an undertaking to the point of withdrawing”.
So why the epidemic of pre-wedding jitters?
Robert Butterworth, PhD, a Los Angeles trauma psychologist reports, “It is not uncommon for brides to experience anxiety, fear, stress, and even panic as the day draws near.” At times, this stress can be so overwhelming that the bride feels trapped and decides to literally “run away.”
” Les Parrott, co-director of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University offers this explanation, “When someone does something that drastic, stress and the pressure to please is a factor. She is so concerned of not wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings, she just doesn’t know any other way to cope.”
Why are weddings so stressful?
Cost is one factor. According to Bride’s Magazine, the average wedding cost of a wedding today can easily exceed $19,000.
The Average Amount You Can Expect to Spend on a Wedding, according to Bride’s Millennium Report: Love & Money:
Invitations, Announcements, Thank You Notes $327
Bouquets and Other Flowers $756
Photography and Videography $1311 and up
Music $830
Clergy, Church, Chapel or Synagogue Fee $232
Limousine $393
Attendants’ Gifts $308
Wedding Rings (Bride and Groom) $1016
Engagement Ring $3044
Bride’s Wedding Dress $823
Bride’s Headpiece/Veil $166
Bridal Attendants’ Apparel (5 attendants) $790
Mother of the Bride’s Apparel $231
Groom’s Formalwear (Rented) $95
Men’s Formalwear (Ushers, Best Man) $449
Wedding Reception $7635
Grand Total $19,104
In the case of Jennifer Wilbanks, her wedding plans included over 600 guests, 14 bridesmaids, and 14 groomsmen. Scott Stanley, co-director of The Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver believes, “Really big weddings make you confront the fact that you’re making a choice. If you’ve slid all the way through the process, you’re going to freak out at this point.” Many brides are indeed freaking out.
In addition to the financial crunch a wedding can cause and all the plans to get everything organized, emotional concerns can also arise. Little concerns can become magnified. If her fianc�© leaves his socks on the floor, the bride may wonder if she is looking forward to a lifetime of picking up after him. If he gets into a disagreement with a family member, she may wonder if family problems are looming over the horizon.
Isn’t it natural to have concerns?
Getting married is one of the biggest decisions most people face in their lives. Of course, there will be a time of reflection and even self-doubt that one is making the right choice. However, Susan Heitler, PhD, a clinical psychologist and family therapist from Denver believes that “jitters, which are basically anxieties, come up because there is something going on that merits attention.”
What do you do when wedding anxiety strikes?
Kate Wachs, PhD, a psychologist and author of Relationships for Dummies suggests, “You may want to discuss premarital misgivings with a trusted friend, priest, minister, rabbi, or therapist”, but she cautions on discussing it with your fiancÃ?©. “If you decide to talk with your partner, make sure he understands your doubts do not necessarily mean you want to call off the wedding.” You may be able to calm your fears, or it may be necessary to postpone the wedding for a while. Carol Kleinman MD, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at George Washington University Medical School, believes that postponing it may be a viable option. “Many times, if it (the wedding) is meant to be, it will go forward anyway, but a little further down the line. If the other person can’t tolerate that then maybe it’s not meant to be.”
Marriage is a big step. Having a certain amount of “good stress” allows us to get organized and get things done. However, if the stress becomes anxiety, some brides feel “getting out of Dodge” may be the only solution.
