A Family’s Portrait

Becoming a parent has been the most challenging, but most rewarding component of my life. I never knew such love even existed. Nor did I comprehend how much a mother’s heart could worry. I never realized that I could cry away a night after a squabble with one of my children and then forget all of it the moment one of them flashed me a smile or held my hand.

Has any gift been sweeter than the bouquet of weeds and dandelions that my children pick for me on their way home from school? What about the joyful innocence so transparent in their drawings that they are all too proud to have displayed in photo albums, frames, or on the all important refrigerator?

Have I ever felt more beautiful than when holding a baby close to my heart or caressing a child’s head when their feelings have been hurt? Have I ever felt uglier than when I’ve lost my temper and said things I regret? Passion has never been felt with such a collection of emotions and grievances have no stay in a parent’s heart where forgiveness reigns supreme.

Our family portrait is raw, where there’s no place for masks and after all is said and done, our home is a place of repose.

I’ve learned that the mess, lies, and people falling below our expectations is normal. We can’t mold people into what we think they should be, so all we can do is have the strength and grace to be charitable with our opinions of them, and our treatment towards them.

Children will disappoint; it’s a given and we can only control how we react to those disappointments. The time is short, the opportunity to get it right fleeting, but the memories intact and eternal. The gift is precious, yet immortal, and our chances numbered.

A while ago my oldest daughter and I engaged in a battle of wills. There was crying, yelling, and accusations exchanged, along with some dirty looks and the oh-so expected slammed door. Later, after a cooling off period, we all gathered on my king sized bed, got comfortable, and let the venting commence. Brian was on the phone from Iraq and we had an unadulterated family discussion; sharing of hurts, feelings, disappointments and apologies. It was truly amazing. I looked at Rachel, curled up with a blanket, and then glanced at David with his arms folded behind his head, and saw Grayson propped up on an elbow. Anger, although waning, was evident between all of us but there was a whole lot of connection, comfort and love.

Most people know I love to take photos and I think our cluster on the bed would have been the most revealing family portrait of all; each personality evident, so clear and unique, even with tear stained cheeks and the smiles that managed to shine through the tears.