A Long Way Home

My first beating occurred three days after release from the hospital where I’d remained incubated until regaining my five-pound birth weight. In pain since birth, my first tormentors were impersonal things like invasive procedures, cold air, bright lights and loud noises. When dad hit me though, Pain became the epicenter of my emotionally fractured being and its many faces the form and substance of my life.

This evening I dropped into present awareness from somewhere and wondered where I’d been. Then the screaming, fear and anguish of my childhood years flooded through me and I knew.

An old friend was visiting me at the time and at the thought he might want to get close; I shut down completely. I fled the moment and all connection to my body in anticipation of pain.

This sudden understanding released a flood of gratitude, bliss, deep peace and a spontaneous forgiveness of every hurt. As I forgave, joy flooded through me carrying the awareness that I’d never allowed myself to completely occupy my own body. Thus enlightened, up for adventure and laughing to myself, I slid deliciously into the welcoming temple of my soul.

2004