A Man’s Guide to Buying Feminine Hygiene Products

Relationships, like Greek tragedies, are filled with nearly impossible tests designed to bring mortal men down. Like Hera sent Jason questing for the Golden Fleece, your girlfriend will eventually send you in search of “feminine hygiene products.” This actually includes a wide range of products for purposes better left unsaid, but sooner or later you will be challenged to purchase them. This challenge may come in one of several forms.

The first is the easiest to avoid. Your significant other may simply ask you to pick up the FHP’s while you’re going to be at the store anyway. This is not a problem, you simply forget them. Unfortunately, the plea for feminine hygiene products often comes across as an emergency distress call brought on by the poor planning of your supposedly better half.

Assuming good general health, a woman’s period will come at about the same time every month and so she should know days, if not weeks, ahead of when she will need the feminine hygiene products. But of course, that also assumes that a woman can think like a man. Instead, she will call to you from the bathroom and tell that she is completely out and needs you to run to the store to pick up more.

At this point you have several options. First, you could pack your bags and head for the hills. By the time she finally comes out of the bathroom, you’ll be long gone and well on your way to dodging other bullets. If you do decide to take up the challenge, the next step is to be prepared. Feminine hygiene products are not like toilet paper.

They come in an incredible variety and every woman has her own preference. Find out before you leave what she wants and make her be specific. Know ahead of time whether she wants paper or plastic applicators, what her desired absorbency level is and if you should get scented or unscented.

It’s probably a good idea at this point to write this information down. Arriving in the store’s feminine hygiene products aisle can be dizzying and you do not want to have to ask a clerk for assistance. As you enter the store, it’ll be time for a little self assessment. Are you ready to go through with this? Do you care if someone you know sees you with a pack of feminine hygiene products?

Being spotted by the boys with a womanly product can be tough. My advice for the novices: Hide them. Now don’t stuff them in your coat; being busted for shoplifting feminine hygiene products is worse than being caught buying them. Instead, find a shopping cart and load it with enough stuff to conceal the feminine hygiene products from all those prying eyes. Grab them quickly, tuck them away and make a quick dash to check out.

Once you’re in line, you’re pretty much home free. A male cashier will have seen enough other Argonauts to know why you’re there and a female cashier won’t even notice. And while returning with the feminine hygiene products may not make you the lawful king of Iolcus, it will earn you some serious points with your ill-prepared companion.