A Masterpiece of a Marriage Begins with Building a Winning Foundation
An esteemed team of experts is exploring a more intriguing point of resolution – that there’s a broader way to resolve differences among couples. When it comes to avoiding conflict and cultivating a happy, rewarding relationship, these experts say, make sure the building blocks of constructive, ongoing communication are in place. Once this is accomplished, couples can encounter the expected problems and resolve them in productive fashion.
There’s no magical answer that can guarantee your marriage will defy the divorce statistics and be a happy, healthy one. Part of the process is really getting to know and respect your partner’s deeply held philosophies, principals and practices. Then learn how to accommodate them. For life.
Dr. Markman is co-founder, together with Dr. Scott Stanley, of PREP, Inc., an organization that strives to help its clients discuss the sensitive topics that can threaten marriages. He is also co-author of the celebrated book, Fighting for Your Marriage.
“Take finances, for example,” Dr. Markman says. “People often argue about the bills and the credit-card balance and other debt. But they don’t talk about the meaning of money and their long-term vision of household finance. But they need to establish and agree upon this vision to build and maintain a healthy relationship. Having financial success is part of having relationship success. If you want to be financially successful, invest in the relationship. Talk about your expectations. Talk about your values. Talk about your core beliefs. Then establish a long-term vision and stick with it.”
It takes proactive steps, but such efforts are rewarded when the classic questions surface that often spark the ‘difficult’ conversation: “How did the credit-card bill get so high? Why can’t we afford to have more children? Our house is too small … can we move to a bigger one?”
Markman and Stanley’s PREP philosophy doesn’t focus so much on the ‘nuts and bolts’ – workshop leaders aren’t likely to sit down and tell you how much mortgage you can afford. They don’t scold husbands for leaving their socks on the floor. Instead, they focus upon the ‘ground-level’ foundation work that couples need.
PREP offers a 12-hour sequence of mini-lectures, discussion and interpersonal skill practice in weeknight, weekend or one-day formats. Topics of focus include communication, conflict management, forgiveness, religious beliefs and practices, expectations, fun and friendship. PREP also includes an extensive assessment focus in the form of in-depth exercises about expectations and beliefs that will affect marriages.
PREP stresses the many ‘ripple effect’ problems that a troubled marriage presents: Adults and children are at increased risk for mental and physical problems due to marital distress. Mismanaged conflict predicts both marital distress and negative effects for children. Conflicts at home lead to decreased work productivity, especially for men. Dr. Markman and his PREP colleagues like to quote from the old Fram oil filter commercial – “You can pay me now or pay me later” – when it comes to advising couples to take steps to cultivate a communicative relationship. The point? Like a car, a marriage needs regular maintenance to prevent suffering. Rather than an entire ‘engine overhaul’ – the shortsighted route – couples can invest in preventative measures that pay off for the long haul.
“Set to accomplish the skills needed so you can talk about anything,” Dr. Markman says. “Develop the ability to talk about difficult subjects without fighting, to meet with resolutions about the important things in your relationship.
Research shows that all married couples are going to have problems. There are always going to be conflicts. We know that money will always present a difficulty. The same with our children, our in-laws, even our recreational outlets. The key is knowing how to deal with it.”
Couples need to explore their cognitive-behavioral interaction, to focus upon the manner in which they interchange viewpoints on difficult subjects. Often, trouble sparks because of the way couples address each other, not the subject itself. Building a sense of respect and teamwork is key.
A good marriage, after all, is like a winning team, or a successful company. “We train couples to identify what the instructive things are that are said during dialogue, and what the destructive things are,” Dr. Markman says. “We help them build upon the instructive aspects of what they say, and avoid the destructive ones. One danger sign is escalation: People hurling insults back and forth. This doesn’t accomplish anything. Yet, don’t get me wrong: Getting angry is OK. But handling your anger well is important.”
Another ‘red flag’ pattern is the direct opposite of escalation: withdrawal, or the refusal to discuss matters that are important for fear of conflict. “These and other patterns result in more resentment, more anger, and threaten to erode the foundation of a relationship,” Dr. Markman says.
PREP has a quiz for couples that can help them assess their relationship and discover where improvement can be made. In the quiz, among other questions, couples are asked: Do arguments escalate into ugly fights with accusations, criticisms or name calling? Do such arguments bring up ‘hurts’ from the past? Does my partner criticize or belittle my opinions, feelings or desires? Does my partner seem to view my words or actions more negatively than I mean them to be?
To avoid discouraging responses to those inquiries, Dr. Markman stresses that couples need to raise their own awareness of these behaviors, foster change in the attitudes that cause them and continue working on the positive, conversational skills that result in constructive dialogue.
“What you discover is that when you work on these skills as a team, you build a lasting partnership,” Dr. Markman says. “You can actually enhance the ‘fun’ factor of the marriage and build with that person a lifetime of rewarding experiences.”
