A Newlywed’s Guide to Lasting Marriages
Though I’ve always understood that marriage takes you to another level, I found myself prepared; because I don’t think it is possible to fully commit yourself to someone without welcoming compromise.
Compromise: A settlement of differences in which each side makes concessions.
1. Know when and when not to speak.
I do not make this statement in light of the caveman mentality. However, it must be understood that there are times when one must consider the outcome of keeping a fruitless conversation going. Sometimes, we gain much more by resting in silence than we do by flying off the handle like uninhibited fools. Though communication is encouraged, it can be better to silence ourselves; when we find ourselves close to erupting.
2. Recognize that successful marriages do not run on the rule “My way or the highway.”
Both parties must accept the fact that no one is right all the time. Often times, husbands and wives don’t fully take into account that we live in a world of colorâÂ?¦The black and white picture has failed to exist for many years. A great idea isn’t always the best idea. Neither is a solid opinion exempt from further investigation. Be open to change. Step outside of self long enough to consider a different viewpoint. I like to call this aspect of marriage (relationships) the “Bend Affect.”
When you operate according to this concept, you understand that bending does not mean breaking. You are fully aware that, though you may cut corners in order to come to a successful medium; you have not given up your own beliefs. On the contrary, you will have mastered settling disputes without letting on that you were in control all along. This can be referred to as winning a dispute without the other knowing. If you really want to be happy in a relationship don’t always expect your spouse to agree with you.
3. Examine the qualities YOU SAY you want in a mate.
Ladies: You’ve always wanted someone strong. Well, now you have someone who doesn’t wimp out when you bust out the big guns; ranting and raving. You wish he would just buckle under pressure but, again; you’ve successfully snagged a STRONG man and he isn’t wavering in his stance to “be a man.”
Men: You told your friends you wanted an honest woman and now you can’t stop her from telling you how she feels about your constant habit of clipping your toe nails and leaving the shavings on the floor. She wakes you in the middle of the night to tell you to shake the toilet and let the seat down and you are instantly annoyed and ready to walk out.
What have we learned? BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR, BECAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT!
Communication: The exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing, or behavior.
Communication is an essential part of a lasting marriage. Because so many do not relay their true feelings and opinions; divorce continues to have the final say. Remember that if you lay down on a problem you are sure to arise blanketed with resentment. Stop viewing yourself as “sleeping with the enemy.” If he/she was that bad, why did you get married in the first place? I believe a big issue is the expectations we set knowing full well that the person we expect to live up to them is not capable of doing so.
I have learned firsthand that riding on your own expectations can lead to one of the biggest disappointments you can imagine. For example, I love my husband dearly but he admits to being a workaholic. Well, I knew that before I married him. Now that we’re married, I find myself getting an attitude; because he is away often. I made the assumption that he would stop working so much and spend more time with me and our two boys. Again, I always said I wanted a man who wouldn’t sit around scratching… someone who would do everything in his power to support his family. What do you know? I got what I asked for.
While I don’t want to nag my husband, I do want to communicate my feelings of occasional loneliness. In all fairness, I believe it is up to couples to always make the other aware of what they feel. One thing that is certain is we can’t train ourselves to feel how others expect us to. We feel the way we feel and if that is ever denied, we will find ourselves drowning in a pool of despair. However, communication is sometimes used as an outlet for random venting. Many people find themselves in a full blown argument, because they’ve been bottled up for so long they find themselves popping a serious cork. Communication SHOULD NOT equate to picking a fight.
Commitment: The state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person or persons.
Note: Time spent doesn’t necessarily signify commitment.
Life has taught me that spending years together doesn’t make a marriage. What makes a marriage is actually becoming a student in the other individual’s personal classroom. Because we never fully know ourselves, let alone another person, we are always being schooled in one way or another. There are so many people who believe that “many years together” equates to successful relationships. Just because you’ve managed to invest years of your time without murdering the other party (just barely), you are not sure to be successful in marriage.
One: Forming a single entity of two or more components.
Understand the idea of Becoming ONE
If you fully understand the idea of being married, you accept the fact that you become ONE with your significant other. Becoming one does not signify operating on separate agendas. Neither does the idea of becoming one tell us that we have the final say, no matter what the topic. When you become one, every effort should be made in relation to absorbing the personality of your mate. Observe personality traits, in order to better understand your mate. This is especially important because without knowing what program your significant other is operating on, it is impossible to understand how to fully master it. In marriage, the husband and wife team should consist of the most explosive component; strengthened by the element of trial and error (life).
Consider the following questions:
1. What messages (verbal and non-verbal) does your spouse communicate in different situations?
2. How does your significant other respond to criticism or being critiqued?
3. How much time, on average, does your mate spend talking about family issues (marital, children, employment, etc.?) Is he/she enthusiastic about sharing their thoughts with you?
4. Are important decisions, pertaining to the welfare of the family, made together or separately?
What have you done for me lately?
Prioritization can make a great difference in a lasting marriage. How much value is placed on the needs of your family? Is family time dead last on your to-do list?
When you first started dating you were like 2 kids in a candy store. High on the sweetness of life, you listened when the other spoke. Your family was number one and you made it your business to communicate your love on a daily basis. Fun was another word for mate and you found it hard to stop making googly eyes at him/her over the kitchen table.
Now you’ve grown comfortable in the relationship and the closest thing to a romantic dinner involves rubbing each others elbows while waiting at the drive-thru window at McDonald’s. The romantic tactics you used to catch him/her is non-existent and you wonder why your mate can’t stop walking around with their mouth poked out. Get a clue! They are trying to find out what happened to the person that once made their toenails curl and belly fill with butterflies.
Don’t expect your marriage to progress, without either party putting in work. That same energy you exerted to CATCH him/her should be used to KEEP him/her.
LEAVE THE BAGGAGE FROM PRIOR RELATIONSHIPS BEHIND.
I have to constantly remind myself that my husband isn’t every other guy who has hurt me. Quite often, we jump into new relationships without having healed from past hurts. Sometimes, we have been scarred so deeply that future relationships aren’t allowed to grow; because we keep trying to place new seeds into unproductive ground. Before we can be successful in new relationships, we must throw out old baggage. It isn’t fair to dump a landfill of past hurts on anyone.
At the age of 29, what makes me an expert on such matters?
People tend to think that you have to have been married for several years or be in your 50’s to understand the concept behind marriage. In my opinion, age is not the sustaining element in marriageâÂ?¦wisdom is. Furthermore, contrary to popular belief; wisdom doesn’t always come with age. While I am still a newlywed, I purposed in my heart from the moment I took my vows to work hard to make my marriage work. I have been a fighter all my life and realize that relationships are like a jobâÂ?¦we get out of it what we put in. It takes two willing beings to keep the flame burning and to ensure that marriage does not become a chore. I feel that to give less than 100% in any relationship is a disservice to the other party. In addition, it is my belief that it doesn’t take an older person to know that marriage should be honored and treated with consideration.
Unfortunately, many people who marry have never fully grasped the concept of what marriage entails. People tend to marry for all the wrong reasons and wonder why they couldn’t make it work. It is unfair to commit yourself to someone on behalf of children, other people’s opinions or to prove something to someone else. When vows are taken, it should be viewed as making a promise to God. I don’t need anyone to tell me that marriage is hard, because making a commitment to anyone or anything requires putting in hard work and exhibiting patience. We always wish for life to be simpler but the idea of life seems to be to master the complexities that it presents us with on a daily basis. To that end, as long as my husband allows me the chance; I have purposed within myself to fight for the life we both deserve. Perhaps if more people really appreciated the investment that comes with making that total commitment, divorce would cease to exist. Unfortunately, the fight has to be consistent between the husband and the wife. No one person can make a marriage work. Husbands and wives need to become tag team partners in the race toward marital bliss.
