A Survival Guide for Those Dating Someone With a Child
1. You’re Not One of the Parents.
This should go without saying, but sometimes it’s not as easy as it sounds. Once you move forward into a “serious” relationship with someone who has a child, the child will become part of your life. If you live with your partner, chances are you’ll live with the child as well. While this may result in your taking on some “parental” responsibilities (read: pickups and dropoffs, bedtimes and wakeups, staying in at night to watch the child, etc.), it’s important to keep a certain measure of perspective in how you interact with the child, whether he or she is a toddler or a teenager. Perhaps one day the child will come to know you as his or her “other mom” or “other dad” – but it’s not your place to demand this. Depending on age and upbringing, the child may be well aware of this fact and resent your presence in his or her life. Expect a fair measure of “I don’t have to listen to you, you’re not my mom/dad.”
2. But You Do Have a Say.
However, you do deserve and should require respect as an authority figure. To gain this, you and your partner should define definite rules and maintain them at all times. Rules should be explained to the child early on and enforced by both you and your partner. It may be beneficial to have your partner explain to his or her child that you are an equal authority. Then you must establish yourself as that authority. You may be tempted to let the child slide on a few rules. Don’t do it. You’re not going to earn brownie points for being a pushover. This will only tell the child he or she doesn’t have to respect you. Develop a clear system of rewards and consequences, and stick to it. Discipline isn’t easy for anybody, but you won’t succeed in getting the child to follow the rules if you can’t follow them yourself.
3. Don’t Play Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
In other words, don’t treat the child differently when your partner isn’t around. The child will recognize this pattern very quickly and begin to play it against you. It’s not fair to the child, and playing dual roles will add stress to you and eventually have ill effects on your relationship with both your partner and the child. If you sit back and let the child run rampant when your partner is around, just to avoid looking like a “meanie” to your partner, and then crack down and lay down the law as soon as your partner is gone, the child will undoubtedly resent you. In fact, chances are, the child will learn to play the same game. He or she may “play nice” when your partner is around and then morph into a monster when the two of you are alone. Regardless, neither you or the child needs the added stress of playing different roles. Maintain the same level of discipline and behavior expectations whether your partner is present or not.
4. Also … No Playing Good Guy, Bad Guy.
Like parents, you and your partner must put on a unified front. This means you can’t undermine or override your partner’s authority. If Dad says no and the child runs crying to you, you must still say no, as well. Again, trying to be the child’s “buddy” under the line of sight is only going to degrade your position as an authority figure. And don’t ever play the child against your partner or the other way around. By dating someone who has a child, you’ve entered a precarious balance system. Your actions do not only affect your relationship with your partner; they have the potential to affect the relationship between your partner and his or her child. It should go without saying that you don’t have the right to upset that applecart.
5. Respect the Other Parent.
Whatever the circumstances, the other parent is still a huge part of the child’s life. It doesn’t matter what you may personally think of this person. Around the child, you should never demean the other parent under any circumstances. Not only is it unfair to the child, but it may get back to the other parent, and then back to your partner, and imagine how awkward and damaging that could become. It’s wiser to just hold your tongue when the other parent’s name comes up.
