A Survival Guide for the Football Widow

Just when you think the coast is clear and your married life is sailing through smooth waters, it happens. You’d think after all these years you would be used to it by now, wouldn’t you? And yet the old feelings of loneliness and the sense of betrayal begin to surface, and once again you try to fight the tears and present your bravest face to the world.

Football season has started.

Oh, you may not have wanted to admit it to yourself, but you knew it was coming. After all, was it coincidence that you begged your husband to take you on a two-week vacation in September? I think not. When that group of cheerleaders walked by the other day at the mall, was it truly an accident when one of them tripped on your foot and ended up sprawled on the floor? Come on now… you had to run like an Olympic sprinter and hurtle two benches to catch up with them.

This year maybe you can do a few things that might help you survive the season with more than just a fraction of your sanity and emotional stability left. Maybe this season can be about you, too. You deserve better than you’ve had… you really do. Let’s explore some situations and see what you can do to make them more bearable.

1. Dinnertime and Football Season, or “Yes, Children, Your Daddy Still Lives Here”.

Though it is a sound theory that scheduling football games during dinner hour is a nationwide conspiracy, the reason why escapes the rational thinking mind. Yet, that is neither here nor there. Especially on Monday nights, the dinner table is conspicuously missing someone who is normally one of its most enthusiastic occupants. If there are children in the house, it is up to you to try to fill the void. Perhaps you could start a seasonal tradition where you and your children all take turns telling stories about daddy around the dinner table. You could suggest some topics such as ” When daddy told me to pull his finger”, or ” How daddy embarrassed me at my Little League game”. Such a tradition will keep his memory fresh in your hearts, and perhaps ease the anxiety produced by the ghostly wailing coming from the living room: “What are you blind? He was clearly inside the line you moron!”

If you are not yet blessed with children, put a bag of chips and a six-pack on the table next to the couch and go have dinner with your girlfriends.

2.Saving the Furniture

One of the side effects of football season is SFD, or “Seasonal Furniture Damage”. SFD can cause embarrassment when company arrives. The looks on their faces say it so clearly: “They must not be doing well. Look at their furniture”. Little do your friends know that you just bought that furniture last year, to replace the replacement furniture you had to buy the year before. No matter how nice your new furniture looks when you first bring it home, (and this is good quality furniture!), by October you have a couch with beer and onion dip stains, a recliner that leans badly to the left and has fingernail holes in the arms, and a coffee table that has been reduced to kindling from repeated kicking. Yearly furniture replacement is costly and time consuming. Perhaps a better idea would be to use a plastic cover on the couch, (calm down, we’re just talking about during the games). For the recliner, you could use concrete reinforcements on either side to prevent tipping, and folded towels tucked around each arm. Temporarily replace the coffee table with a wooden crate. This may seem like a lot of trouble, but in no time you’ll have the routine down pat. Use the money you save on furniture to do something practical, like trading in the car that he just had to have and buying the one that you had picked out in the first place. Don’t worry, he won’t notice until after the Super Bowl, and by then you can embarrass him by pointing out that he’s been driving it for months and why is he just now mentioning it?

3. Football Season and the Art of Seduction

Right now you can’t even get him to notice you much less turn him on. If he’s not telling you to get out from in front of the television, he’s coming to bed grumbling about how that field goal should never have been missed, and they must have hired that defensive coordinator right out of Clown College. It doesn’t exactly set the mood for a night of unbridled passion.

First and foremost, put aside the sexy nightgowns and black lace teddies for a while. For now, your new seductive arsenal will consist of footballs jerseys, a cheerleader uniform, and a referee’s whistle. If you really apply yourself, you might even get a reaction out of him during half-time. But you must work quickly. As soon as half-time starts you need to go into action. If you stand in front of the television and start your cheerleading routine immediately, you may fool him. Do a couple of routines, (that will be foreplay, no time for anything else), then jump into his lap, throw your arms around him and tell him how his manly smell drives this little cheerleader wild with desire. Keep an eye on the clock. If you hear that the game has started again, jump clear or risk being unceremoniously dumped on the floor when he jumps up to cheer on the running back.

These are just a few suggestions. If you give yourself enough time, you can probably come up with some ideas of your own. The conclusion is; you don’t have to suffer through every football season. You can fight back. You are woman. You can roar! You can persevere!

If all else fails, you’ll probably get the house and the new car.